August 9, 2013
i’ve been struggling for about a month or so, fighting with my demons, with what seemed like an impending relapse. try as i might, i’m not the strong that i should be yet. i’ve been going on a downhill while desperately retaining some functionality that is demanded of me, with what is thought to be my worst yet by my treatment team. you know it must be true when several people who haven’t seen you in awhile look at you, and comment that you look terrible and mustn’t be doing well.
i told Dr S i regret even going to the Eating Disorders Unit to have my problem treated, because it became the catalyst for this relapse. that it fuelled all the existing problems, threatening to make them even bigger problems. but i think he told me not to regret it. that i tried and tried hard enough. that it is with such slip-ups that one learns life lessons.
i am expected to show up inpatient next Monday, just so that they can stabilise me by running currents through my head (all over again) before i disappear from the face of the earth (oh i’m so capable of that). i just did one, but it was sorely inadequate as deemed by Dr S and myself.
aargh i hate this, and i hate myself.