i wrote this as a stark reminder to myself, that the act of being alive is in and by itself, enough. that in a world that asks of you anything and everything, without pretty much a care, it’s okay to simply breathe.

but i go on to ruminate, ever so often. then everything is for naught.

run away

i’ve said too much, really.

it’s time to break away, isolate, look away, and say no more.

it’s time to build up walls again. hide. and stay there.

because truly i belong there.

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

2016

by the stroke of midnight, i still could not reconcile with myself enough of my life in 2015. and because of that, the mere thought of going into yet another year became incredibly daunting. i stepped into 2016 literally in tears.

the New Year is generally a joyous occasion. i don’t, however, enjoy it very much. the past few New Years have been particularly difficult for me. being so forward-looking can be difficult when even the here and now seem so bleak.

i look at the past year and i don’t see much that i’ve been happy about. my only greatest joy in 2015 was renewing my faith in God, drawing closer to Him, and joining my community Sinners. all these seem to be enough, even when things are not going well. be it less than desirable pain management, falling sick, leaving nursing etc.m

but…

a year wrought with self-harm and hospitalisations is never a good one. watching myself regress back into the person i least wanted to be (again) was like watching a horror movie. i was frightened, but yet i was helpless as my life unfolded in ways i could never fathom. all the good, all the progress i made in the previous year went up in smokes. i left 2015 with many more scars, physical or mental, than i had when i entered it, and i hate myself for letting it happen. as if i wasn’t pained enough from the motions of life, i put it on myself to suffer needlessly again and again. then getting currents once more, after functioning 2 years without it, was the final straw. at the bottom of it, it meant, without the knowledge of many others, that i could not maintain my existence without these electric currents. it also finally signified that yes i had truly fallen, despite all that i have done and the stubborn insistence that perhaps i’m still not too far gone, and no this is not over. it egged at me that while i am still here, recovery still eludes me.

i guess what 2016 is for me, is to really draw even closer to God, to regain my control over pain, and to persevere in my journey to recovery. to what expense, i don’t know. but whatever it takes, i guess. nothing less.

in Him i seek refuge

sometimes, darkness blankets me, and i stay in it. i know, after 5 years, that depression deems this darkness a good place to dwell in. my faith journey through these all sees me letting in the light- the light of Christ- in the times when hope glimmers. regrettably, darkness triumphs over the light, because i am yet to be in a place where i am more recovered.

since i last wrote, plenty has happened. school being on a break, i’ve been busy with work and serving in a retreat.

i have been blessed to have a change in my job description, where i am no longer a nurse. it was a decision to place my focus on social service, rather than on nursing. my workplace is truly a blessing to be in- all of my colleagues so God-loving, and passionate for our cause. my manager takes it further by being extremely considerate to my wellbeing. for all of these i praise God for His providence!

i was on the intercessory team in the retreat. my prayer life has never been good, nor was it good during intercessions (in my opinion that is). but we experienced for ourselves God working through everyone in the retreat. again, tasting the grace of the Lord has me on my knees.

groping my way around in the dark, i fell and hurt myself badly again. i am ashamed of it, simply because God’s light is there, but in my sadness i refused to let it in. in the end i became the perpetrator and also the victim. i don’t know why i let people’s words get to me, nor do i know why i seek so much healing from physical pain.

reluctantly, at the nagging of my friends, i sought medical attention, and was placed in the hands of trauma surgeons. but i’m fine. i really am. everyone has been overreacting.

i want to let the light in- His light and His glory. light chases out darkness, and in doing so, faith, hope and love comes through easier. everyday is a challenge to choose God, even if it’s not in the ways of the faith. when i choose to be kind to myself, to not hurt myself, to smile, to laugh, to love myself, i am choosing God.

in Him there is no darkness, and in Him i seek refuge.


after edit:

i forgot to mention. remember the last term of school in which i missed 3 weeks out of 5 weeks of lesson due to my hospitalisation? the one in which i spent 1 week writing 2 papers whole juggling school and work? the one which i only took less than a weekend to study for 2 exams?

i checked my results, after almost forgetting that they had been released, and… i scored distinctions for both!!! *phew* this i tell you, is entirely God-given. aside from the extremely tight time frame that i had, i was fighting a terrible war on the depression front at that point of time, and was amnesiac when the exams came. that i could survive, much less work through what little was left of the school term, could never have happened without God’s grace.

 

*exhales*

i can finally breathe *exhales*

missing 3 weeks out of the 5 weeks of classes, rushing 2 papers in 1 week, and cramming 1000+ powerpoint slides for 2 exams- this are things that i endeavour not to attempt again. managing all these, together with work, and the expectations from my lecturers and parents, was a great test of my faith and strength.

amnesia was something i didn’t talk about during this period. it was and still is something i struggle with. going through currents threatens the memories that i’ve been holding, and the new ones i’m making. although i’ve made it through nursing school and work with it, going for exams 3 weeks after i’ve done 3 sessions, was me playing with fire. but what was i to do? if i can’t remember it, i can’t. does it not hurt to know you’ve studied something but you don’t know what it is when the time comes?

the year is coming to an end. i have a retreat to serve at, and 4 doctors appointments to go for, between now and the new year.school is on a break till then *phew*. but work is still ongoing.

 

Providence 

it’s been a crazy week- it was one which i could not see myself getting through when the week first started. the dysphoria i experienced shackled me in chains and threatened to pull me under. i flailed my arms and thrashed them around wildly. i was going under, and there was nothing to stop it from happening.

the outpouring of support in the midst of my despair, both online and in person, was something that lifted me up, and it’s also something that i am grateful for. i don’t think i could have lived past this week as safely as i did.

more than ever, His providence was more than i deserved. those waters i was sinking in became the waters in which He worked his graces and blessings. i don’t know what pushed me to pray when anxiety set in at every living and breathing moment, but praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy every morning as i start my day, though seemingly a mere routine, became my refuge. i grew increasingly aware time and again that we walk by faith and not by sight. 

when i could walk no further, it is You who takes up my cross, holds my hand and tells me, “come follow me”. i fall on my knees at Your unfailing love, Your abounding grace, and Your divine mercy. i don’t know what i’ve done to merit this grace, but i know You never fail.

looking at matters, i know i will trip and fall again (and again). but i know also that when i do, He’ll stretch out His hand and tell me “it’s ok”.

 

obliged

i feel like stripping myself of all obligations.

i feel extreme pressure- from my family, from school, from work, from finances, from doctors, from chronic illnesses, and from friends. some would ask me “why? “, but i would ask you “why not?”. there are simply too many things that they want of or from me. it feels like each of them has their hand on me, and they’re dragging me on my heels toward what they each expect of me.

i feel extremely torn, extremely anguished, that my obligations do not include me getting well.

like, what do i do when i can’t go on anymore, leashed and tugged at by so many people and so many things?

i can’t. obligations are called as such for a reason. there’s no escaping, no running away. unless there comes a day when it’ll be ok to openly say, “i’m not ok”.