6 feet under

as i walked into the consult room, i saw Dr T looking at the computer screen. he must’ve been reading my psychotherapy notes from the day before. i sat down and i passed him an envelope. “would you please certify me fit and sign it???” i said, in much desperation. it was an Advance Medical Directive, for in case you are unconscious and incapable of making any decisions, such as life-prolonging decisions… my lawyer friend was dead sure my psychiatrist would never sign it because of my chronic suicidality. but he was wrong. Dr T talked to me as he signed it. he wanted to be sure that i knew what it was.

we talked for awhile, and even though i am not actively suicidal, he says that i am. i showed him the cuts. the cuts i never had before, but have now because this is not living. so he gave me 2 choices at the table. 1) admission. 2) ECT. i conceded to ECT. but later decided that maybe i’m better off inpatient. did some paperwork, found out my ward had no beds available, so i backed out. took my meds, smoked, and went home. might as well. i have too many obligations with school. i really cannot afford to take that time off. not it again.

i don’t like my family and friends to know that i’m in a crisis so bad that i’m 6 feet under. so i try, you know. i really try to seem better (without feeling better). yay.

and oh yes, i’m so fucking hungry. sigh.

no. i’m not ok. i’m not ok at all. and i don’t want to talk about it.

 

all i really wanted was a friend who was willing to sit beside me and listen to me. that’s all. i don’t want a friend to analyse what i say and rationalise with me. i don’t want a friend who tries to cheer me up or tries to be optimistic (which i can never be). i don’t want friends who tell me it’s gonna be ok, or that i should try harder, or that i should trust in God, yadah yadah yadah. and i have MANY friends who do all of these.

i just need all of you to shut up. i know you have good intentions. but just shut up.

because i DON’T NEED all these. and i DON’T WANT all these.

and so from here on, i know what to do. i really know what to do.

not alright

and the truth is, try as you might, you will never be alright again.

you feel like you’ve died inside, although you know you’ve died a thousand times. not again? you ask. but again you know you’ll die a thousand more.

you’ll never be alright again, against everything people around you hope for you, pray for you, or tell you. they don’t have the foggiest idea.

so why are you trying so hard to hold on?

this is the way, walk in it

in 72 hours, i presented myself twice (and no less) to the Emergency Department, afraid of bscklash, wallowing in shame and guilt. how did things become this way?

in June, and even now in July, i struggle. i can tell you that having faith itself and claiming to have head knowledge are a world of a difference. i know that in my utter brokenness, my faith is lacking. i don’t claim as much as i can, my identity as the beloved child and daughter of God. i always remember from retreats and from conversations with friends, about how Peter walked on water. i have to learn from him, in that he trained his eyes on Jesus- he had faith and he believed! because when his eyes wandered he sank!

i have to constantly keep my gaze on God, my saviour! i may not always know why i am triggered or upset, but i guess i just have to put my faith and trust in Him? and yes, i have to learn to open the door of my heart to Him!!!

“He destined us in love to be his sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace which he freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace which he lavished upon us.”

-Ephesians 1:5-8

p.s. Haemoglobin has dropped to 8.5g/dL, but they said it wasn’t low enough for a blood transfusion. Hand surgeons said Palmaris Longus and Flexor Carpi Radialis Sheath both sustained cuts (ie damage) but they weren’t gonna repair it. On a backslab now.

better days to come

the month of June is coming to an end, and i think i can’t wait for a much better July.

3 lacerations (and consequently 2 surgeries by hand surgeons and another minor surgery by the emergency doctor), had wound dehiscence and wound infections (MRSA and Pseudomonas), was held overnight for observation twice in the psychiatric hospital, had currents three times, had lithium upped, and then all these while having school and a paper to submit. sigh.

just saw my psychiatrist today. stopped further currents. adjusted my medications (lithium level [1g] is at 0.9). continuing therapy. and then praying for the best.

i don’t think i can relive another June again.


 “My grace is sufficient for you for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ , then, i am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when i am weak, then i am strong.

2 Corinthians 12-9,10

 

 

27

IMG_3952 (1)

yet another year has passed. and looking back, i don’t know where those days have gone. every birthday is a heartache, if i am to be truly honest. looking back, dwelling in the present, looking to the future, it pains me greatly that my existence has been maintained till today. i know that that is the depression talking. that a life in Christ is so much more. that a life in Christ is filled with love. the past year was spent with at least 14 crises. there never was any semblance of stability, and the struggle was painfully constant.

in the here and now, i dare not hope. what is the state of my life now that will change anything? absolutely nothing. so why set myself up for disappointment and heartache?

happy birthday steph.
may you find the courage to do what you need to do to go on.