Managing expectations was always something that Dad had tried to drill into adamant head. Personally, i err on the side of pessimism to manage expectations. I kid you not, but i found out at the age of 7 that the better i think i did, the worse i’d fare. I learnt it when i was expecting great results from a test/exam in Primary 1. Of course i did much worse than i expected, and i told myself that from than on, i’d never be confident.
Throughout the course of the near 2 decades of my life, i’ve tried to err on the side of pessimism. The times i didn’t were the times that i was disappointed with the way things turned out. Among these were going to CCKSS and thinking i’d do well with my PSLE score(i did manage to do well eventually, but the journey was tough), working my ass off for my Intermediate Foundation exam(which i almost failed in the end), thinking i may do well throughout JC(from which i dropped out from, and with less-than-mediocre results from year 1), and thinking i’d ace nursing school(with a GPA that’d kicked people’s arse). Lastly, i thought i’d get a sponsorship(from any hospital) for sure, but it looks like it isn’t meant to be. All these have been very humbling, and with each and every one of these mistakes i’ve made, i taught myself that i’d never be anywhere near perfect. I can only be this good and nothing more. However, except for thinking that i’d ace nursing school, the rest were beyond my control. They were more like a fantasy, more like an ideal that i’d like to see, that i’d like to feed my ego.
As for nursing school, i took things for granted and became complacent. Being able to finally redeem myself with my 7 As was a big deal, but having a C+ was a crushing defeat that i have to accept. Being in WorldSkills really put me in a different perspective- that even though i am knowledgeable, a nurse will never be able to function without their skills. Having the knowledge and the knowledge to perform skills is not enough to perform the skills. I am never one to practise skills at home i admit. But now i know that it’s of utmost IMPORTANCE. Communication is essential too, but i’m glad that i am more eloquent than i thought i’d be, thoughi have to get rid of the ‘talking-to-kids’ tone and mellow it down a little. Not being able to go for OIPP was ‘devastating'(for the lack of a better word), but i take it in my stride because i am simply not up there in terms of my grades. 😦 So for now, i’ll give WSS my best shot. Of course i’d be crushed if i got eliminated, but i did take something out of the training, so it’s a win-win situation.
Now that i’m not getting an interview after more than a week, it dawned upon me that the basis of which my dreams are built upon will not come to me, and that i might have to look for alternatives. Ever since starting nursing school and being with my current rheumy, i’ve wanted to be a RN with this hospital. And like i’ve mentioned, my rheumy and i have been discussing about the possibility of me going into rheumatology to be a rheumatology nurse. Not that it’ll be impossible elsewhere, but i can’t imagine myself anywhere else because i’m so familiar with the place and certain people now. 😦 I could get some help by getting recommendations, but i don’t want to get in by connections. They must want me too ya know.
Sometimes we really need to give ourselves a good reality check, and manage our expectations. It’s always good to have dreams, but things change and dreams must also change.
*sigh* I love my RA and it has become a huge part of my identity, but i hate the label it carries. I have never seen it coming- that it might affect employability. But now i know.