I said this to my dad today:
“This family has a warped concept of understanding and concern.”
I finally said it, though it should have come out harsher. We were arguing because they didn’t know where to go for Mother’s Day dinner. They were thinking between Clementi and CCK. I blatantly said that if they wanted CCK, i’d stay at home. I wasn’t feeling too well and a little heavy-headed from too much snooze and and the cold. Obviously they couldn’t infer from my actions- napping only 4 hours after i got of bed, and coughing. Mum got pissed of course, like how they pissed me off and made me cry during my birthday for a few years. I got dissed at for being insensitive and rude. So i defended myself and said i wasn’t feeling well. He asked me why i couldn’t have told them earlier. “Because it’ll be useless to tell you guys! “ I said. He was offended and said that it was quite the contrary. That was how i said it. His finishing sentence was:
“Don’t insult my family…”
So i’m not part of the family? So what i said isn’t true? Fucking jaded. JADED. Understanding and concern isn’t really what my family is about. DOUBT is the main gist here. I can be writhing and dying in pain and no one would give a bloody damn about it. Doubt is always the first thing that comes up. Really meh? You seemed ok just now.
I just don’t know what to do or say anymore. I’ve given up entirely. It’s Mother’s Day tomorrow. Dadmum will be leaving for Taiwan for a holiday tomorrow. Mother’s Day should be a celebratory affair. But it isn’t for me. Because i don’t love my mum as much as it should be, and as much as i liked to. I wished someone else’s mum was my mum. I wished my mum wouldn’t get jealous of me, and jealous of me when the father-daughter relationship gets more intimate than she’d like it to be. I wished she didn’t think i hate her. Because i don’t hate her. I just resent her for the fucking stupid things she’s done. But of course she doesn’t know the mistakes she’s made, cos’ she refuses to admit to them. *sigh* I really don’t hate her. I really just wished that she was the mum i always wanted. The mum who’d cook everyday. The mum who’d support her girl in everything she does, and be happy for her. The mum who gets truly concerned with her girl’s wellbeing, and who’d do everything for her.
In the end, she’s still my mother, and i still have to love her. I want to say it deep down in my heart that i do, but i can’t. There’s still a long way to go if i have to say “I love you” to her because it’s just so wrong.
There’s a rift between my dad and i too. I used to call myself Daddy’s girl. It totally isn’t the case, and i find myself distancing from him increasingly. I don’t want it to be that way, but it’s just the way things are, looking at the situation in my family.
Yes. I am an ingrate. A horrible unfilial ingrate. I’m really just numbing myself from all these fucking bullshit. Judge me for all you want.