Bittersweet

Today, we accomplished tasks we once deemed as difficult. We went down to Arab St, took photos, ate briyani, and returned back to school 10 minutes to presentation time. We completed our 45 slide presentation within 19min 12sec, albeit a little too rushed and information overload. We forgot to add the Barthel Index, but thank goodness i dug it out from the back my head and answered the teacher correctly. 🙂 Wow. Felt like we could conqueor the world after completing these tasks! 😉

WSS training after that. I must admit that i’m not fantastic at critical thinking, and i’ve been struggling with it when i’m in the wards. *sigh* I’m trying though, and i’ve borrowed books from the library to help me with it. If only i could finish reading them. We had quite a bit of fun while racking our brains. But somehow, something made me feel uneasy. That i have many ideas that conflict with my peers. That even though we are all the same, i am a separate entity because of what i think is right, and what i believe in. It isn’t a fantastic feeling actually. In fact it made me kinda sad that perhaps i am not quite understood, and to some extent misconstrued. *sigh* I hope these feelings dissipate soon, if not there’ll be so much inner tension when we have training next week.

It dawned upon me that my pathophysiology, or rather my knowledge in general, has become such a disappointment. I’m ashamed of the knowledge i have now. I was better than this for sure. Don’t know what’s up with me. My attention span is so damn bloody short. I’ve mentioned this before. That i can’t seem to concentrate when people talk. I get lost somewhere in between, though i manage to catch the head and maybe if it’s not that bad, the tail. It was like that in ballet class, and the same in school. I get kinda scared that i can’t even concentrate for a mere few minutes because of its dire implications in future. I don’t even know why things turned out this way. I can’t seem to find a root cause for this. RA shouldn’t play any role in this, so it has gotta be my prob. Golly gosh. I need to find a way round it. NOW.

Some time during training, the topic of pain popped up, and about having no pain. Somewhere along the discussion, lao shi(i’ll just refer our trainers to as ‘teacher’ in chinese) talked about how sometimes,we have to settle with a pain that is tolerable for the patient.  This is especially so with chronic pain, and those who are terminally ill. I’ve learnt a fair bit about palliative care in my 5 weeks in oncology, and i know that zero pain is almost impossible because having no pain would diminish their quality of life, and leave them in a state of mind far from being clear(due to the use of opiods). So it’s easier to work with improving their pain score to something that they can tolerate, which is something that the patient and the healthcare team has to discuss about. It’s almost similar for chronic pain. It’s almost impossible to eradicate all pain if it’s chronic, and that pain can only be minimized.

Made me think of what i was told by my rheumy 2 years back. That i may have to live with any residual pain since my RA was already almost fully controlled. I didn’t understand why it had to be as such. I’m young, and my RA wasn’t aggressive.Surely it’s not difficult to ask to be almost completely pain-free when i’m devoid of flares. I even sneered silently at that statement, and thought that there must be more that can be done. But of course, i don’t even think of wanting to be pain-free after i’ve taken things into my stride. Being completely pain-free is unrealistic. That’s why i don’t even bother with pain meds these days. It ain’t worth it, and as long i’m still functional, i’m fine.

Tired. Only had 2+ hours of sleep last night. I ought to turn in early tonight.

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