I’m like a time bomb now. Ticking away and ready to explode.
I guess it’s not just one thing that brought me to such a state. I would rather believe that it’s the accumulation of all the BULLSHIT from the past few months, aggravated by my ineffective management of emotions. What happened today was just a catalyst, and nothing more.
School can be so aggravating. The people, their actions… It just adds up, and it never gets better. Everytime something happens, my response gets worst. By the time i graduate, i would have probably used all the expletives in my dictionary, and would probably have flipped the bird to one of my guy classmates. Because it can get really bad, and i can’t seem to let out the steam.
RA is such a pain in the ass. Trying to predict its course and what it may bring is definitely exhausting. I’ve given up all hope on my sponsorship. I’ve said my piece, and my rheumy did her job. They seemed intent on not giving it to me. This is cruel. I’m not a bad student. My GPA is above 3. I am training for WSS. And they reject me because i have a pre-existing condition. SO CRUEL. I keep thinking if i can ever land a job after graduation. If i can’t even get something simple like a sponsorship(especially when i have peers with a GPA much less desired), i really wonder how i am going to get employed? I’m just gonna let things run its course. Flare or no flare, DMARDs or no DMARDs, i will still live and breathe. Liver spoil, spoil lor. Joint damage, damage lor. Can’t be bothered with it anymore. If i’m gonna bother about it every living day, then i must be mad because this will be neverending until i die.
WSS is cool. But i honestly don’t like what is being said amongst us sometimes. I will usually point out my different opinion, but i didn’t everytime it surfaces. Which is why i’m mad, because everything’s accumulating and building up in me. And yes, i know WSS peeps read this. But sometimes words that are exchanged, unknowingly or not, really make me feel stupid for wanting this so much. Like STUPID. DUMB. FUCKING DUMB. Never before in my life… They are just words yes, but words are words, and jokes, jokes. I do get the point if it keeps getting repeated or hinted you know.
Dad’s coming home messed up my routine of doing things. Dadmum together irks the fucking hell out of me. It’s peace when they are out, but a nightmare when we are all under one roof. Condescending and patronising concern makes me wanna stab a knife right through them, and sometimes i wish they’d leave me alone TOTALLY.
And i can’t even bring myself to do something i love. Why? Because i fucking hate my body, and i can’t bear to see my reflection in the skimpy leotard and tights combination. I want to go back, but the ultimate real reason, among other reasons, is because i’m fat, and fat people get judged. I love ballet too much. But the hatred in me for myself far outweighs my love for dance. I don’t know how it happens, but yeah. I’m fucking retarded.
I guess i’m just being emo and dumb. It’s nothing much, yet i let it build up like a pressure cooker. It’s not the big things. It’s the little little things that accumulate every single day. Every single emotion, every single reaction. I guess get too concerned on being judged by people, as usual. And i guess it’s just a passing thing.
This too, shall pass.