Give and Take

I’ve taken so much more than i’ve given.

In fact everything and everyone in my life has been given to me by the good Lord. Tangible. Intangible. I’ve taken so much from Him, yet i’ve given Him so little of my time.

I’ve met so many people in my short life, who wouldn’t give a second thought about giving. I have definitely been the recipient of the many ‘gifts’ by people who have anonymously given. I’ve graciously accepted them. But am i ever going to give like how i’ve received?

I can say for sure that people of authority in my life- parent, doctors and teachers- are the ones whom i’ve received the most from. Friends too.

Parents because they brought me up and provided me with almost everything i needed. (But there’s also a lot of resentment too.)

Doctors because without them, i probably wouldn’t be alive and well. Without my rheumy, i would’ve been in such a terrible and miserable state. Her tenacity is… Undescribable. And by writing me all those memos, talking to me about nursing and my future hopes, being proud of me… All these kindness from a stranger is astounding.

Nursing school opened my eyes to so much that happens behind closed doors and hushed whispers. I don’t think i’ve ever experienced that much giving in any other school. I’ve received so much, and yet i haven’t have the foggiest idea who gave me so much. It might be just a word or two, a recommendation, a passing remark, or a grade. All the amazing little things they’ve given… I will not be where i am without them for sure. The things they do for all of us- sharing their words of wisdom, revealing to us the true reality of working life etc… And just by being teachers, they are figures whom i look up to, and figures whom i sometimes get afraid of. In rareity, the genuinity in their subtle concern is even more than i’ve been given at home. That heartens me. Of course harsh words are spoken, but on hindsight, they really mean well. Without thought, most of us lament about them, without a care about how they are humans too. Humans with their own baggage laden with lead weight. Humans with a story to tell. Yet with these, they are able to give so much. If this is not amazing, i don’t know what is.

I will never forget as well, the kindness i’ve received from my ballet teacher(s). The years i’ve spent with them were one of the most enriching times i had. Lessons in ballet, lessons in arrtistry, and lessons in life. I cannot thank them enough for bringing out so much in me. For believing in me. And for forgiving me when i failed to deliver; when i was flawed in my own ways in class. Now without my teacher’s class, i feel a sense of loss. Insecure maybe, because she knows all my flaws that no one else understands- how i cannot turn out as much as i like, how my extensions and arabesques are not as high as one would desire, and how i am trying to be expressive.

And of course, my friends. Friends whom i don’t keep in contact with, friends whom i have as best friends, and friends whom i have shared a part of my life with. I think they think of me more than i think of them. And for that i’m truly sorry. Because i’ve never given them as much as they’ve given me. All the laughter, all the hope, all the love that one can ever receive from a non-kin. Without them, my life would not have any laughter. And i am known by my friends to have a very loud laughter. Just because i have friends in my life.

Can i give more than i receive? I know i can, if only i will.

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