STFU

Don’t tell me that i am ok, that there is nothing wrong with me.

Don’t tell me that i look ok and happy, that i can still laugh ever so loudly.

Don’t tell me that i am too young, that i seem to overplay things.

Don’t tell me that i complain too much, that i am attention-seeking.

And don’t tell me that i find excuses.

Because you are not me. And you do not have RA.

Nevermind if you do not understand. Ask.

Just don’t assume. Assume that everything is fine because i am walking, climbing stairs and dancing. That because i am smiling and laughing, things should be ok.

Just don’t assume that if you have joint pain, you understand how i feel. Don’t make it sound like i am a wimp, because your pain is quite unlike my pain, thank you very much.

Just because i seem fine, it doesn’t mean i am fine. Because i have to be fine. It’s not a choice. It’s a must, if you get to learn of it one day. Behind every movement and action, every emotion and laugh, is the immense effort it takes every single day.

The effort it takes not to let the fear show. The fear about unpredictablility. The fear about not being able to walk one day. The fear about not being able to get my shirt off. The fear of even more pain that i have lived with. The fear of rejection. And most of all, the fear of being different.

The physical effort it takes to get about everywhere, everyday, and do whatever i want.

And the immense mental strength it takes everyday. So that i don’t hurt people when i talk. So that i don’t offend people with my mood. And just so i can tell myself that everything will be ok. That everything will just turn out fine.

I think it was a really bad move to be open about things. It has made me so much more vulnerable to getting hurt. So much more disadvantaged. And so much more opened to judgements.

I guess the only thing i can do is to stfu. Keep it private and personal. And i’m sorry if i’ve ever said that i’ll be open about it. That i’ll share if i ever meet any difficulties. Because i won’t anymore. Maybe smile lesser, laugh lesser too. Because then i wouldn’t be so jaded as to believe that things are rosy.

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