Win some, lose some

Today was the culmination of 3+months worth of hard work and effort. We pulled off our event- Allay their sorrow, give your marrow- quite well. We were quite surprised at the number of people turning up and participating in our activities, learning something about bone marrow donation. We won this fight, and i guess even though the process was bittersweet, it was successful because the outcome was all that mattered. Bittersweet because some of us did work, some of us didn’t. Some did much more, some did much less. And in the end, we were getting similar grades. It isn’t fair, but life’s never fair, so heck. I sound too bitter for a battle that was won.

I was defeated yet again- twice in the same semester. And it wasn’t supposed to happen. I guess i was just too tired. I was up and running since 7+am, and apart from the breakfast we had that our laoshi bought for us at 9am, i didn’t have a break. That means, no toilet break from 7am to 3+am. No food from 9am to 6pm. I only had my coke zero to keep me company, and 2+hours of sleep the previous night.

I wouldn’t be human if i wasn’t tired. But it was no excuse for giving up. I gave up, and although giving up would bring about disappointment and further pressure+judgement, i gave up anyway. Because at that point of time, i felt that it was a lost cause. That i was really unable to recover the situation without doing something wrong(like interrupting). The mo qi just wasn’t there. There and then i knew i had lost. Big time.  I cried and cried, because i was upset at what had happened, upset with myself, and i guess upset with everything at that point of time. 

Elimination is looming ahead, and i have no confidence at all. And what happened at training pushed me further back into the shithole. That damned 6-foot shithole. It’d be a miracle if i could pull myself back together by next Friday, because it definitely ain’t easy, and because i’m a huge mess right now.

You win some, you lose some. That’s for sure.


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