After some glimmer of hope that things are well on its way to get better, i am crushed again.
All the motivation to do good and be good was suddenly all for a naught. It was that fast- things were still looking good just last night and within a day, everything just went downhill again.
It’s hard to pretend that everything’s fine. I’ve recently been asked whether i’ve been ok. Well i couldn’t possibly say that i’m not right? Somehow it shows on my face, and it is largely evident with the change of my behavior as of late. The facade is cracking, and i’ll be exposed soon enough.
I’ve confided in 2 persons, and they are people i love and respect a lot. I’ve told them a lot. Too much actually. And with me suffering blow after blow and getting defeated again and again, i feel like giving up. I know i will soon enough. When the time comes, i will close that door, and i will reveal no more. It’s the sense of hopelessness and helplessness, and not wanting to disappoint again, that’s pushing me further to the extremes. I can say that i am so close to shutting my gap. So that i can be judged no further, and so that i’ll answer to myself, and myself only.
It’s not as easy as most people would make it out to be. Trying is not enough. Trying my best is not enough either. Becuase this issue tampers with the sound mind, making the state of my mind a questionable one. If only it was that easy to just stop.
I’ve been trying. But again as i mentioned before, i am now turning to problem B to solve problem A. I’m trying very hard, but it gets to me nevertheless.
Sinking deeper and deeper… *sigh*