I guess everything just… Crumbled…
Everything i’m doing is wrong. Everything that has been done, whether or not by me, is my fault. And everything that i did thereafter is blamed on me.
So i was wrong to be angry because the trust was breached out of genuine concern. I was wrong to ‘sulk’ because it’s not fair to the others, and disrespectful to the teachers. I was not even sulking. I was just trying to keep a very straight face- maybe a face deep in thought, maybe a face that showed that i didn’t want to be there, maybe a face that was sad, or maybe a face that was angry. I was ‘wrong’ to feel so angry and upset. Because it isn’t fair to me. I am wrong because i am weak, and i need to ‘toughen’ up. I am wrong because i think i am fat, and i am wrong in trying to do anything to alleviate distress from ‘being fat’, and from being ‘not good enough’.
So if it’s not fair to her, is it fair to me then? Is it fair that i get trust breached? Is it fair that i am now forced to do what i don’t want to do? Is it fair that someone else is trying to remove my only security blanket? Is it fair that i have tried, yet i am being punished for having tried?
Yes i am emotionally unstable. I am very emotionally labile. And they know it. They are anxious about me. They don’t want to lose me. But they don’t realise that they are now pushing me over the cliff.
I have never ever thought of doing something that extreme. The only self-harm that i have inflicted on myself is purging. But i’m getting pushed off the cliff. I want to save myself from that, and by that i can only do something. Something that will make them regret ever doing any of these to me.
In a way it’s also something that i’d rather go through than all these emotional pain and all the psychological wounds that i’ve been inflicted with that keeps getting aggravated by people poking at them and adding insult to them.
Why did things have to turn out this way? Things wouldn’t have gone so far if i’d just shut my gap. Why did i have to trust in anyone else but myself? I did so because it came to a point where i needed help. But i think in the process i dug a deeper grave for myself. I didn’t quite get the help i needed. Instead, things regressed. I got worst. More people got involved. People got hurt/angered in the process. And now i’m so damaged the only thing i want is to sleep and never wake up.
To say that everything crumbled is actually more of an understatement. I’m so tired. So very tired. I am a mistake. And if the mistake can be erased from the face of the world, all would be well again, and peace restored.