Nothingness

Why? Why did things have to turn out this way?

I think i wanted it too badly. I wanted it too much. I can’t speak for the others, but i know worked for it. I bloody hell worked for it, and i got it by my own merit. I had the potential. I bloody hell had it. And they wanted to help me reach it. I wanted too reach my fullest potential too. I knew i stood a good chance if things could work out. They knew they stood a good chance with me too. A bloody good one i might add.

But there it goes.

KAPUT.

NOTHING.

It has turned to nothingness. Everything that i have fought for, cried for, clung onto, is now lost.

Because i am messed up. I am a nutcase. I have lost myself.

Now I am nothing. Everything that my pride is build upon… Everything that gave me a reason to keep my head up… Is now gone. And there goes my self-worth. My pride. And what little confidence that i had. I am nothing, and i have nothing.

Was it wrong it embark on it in the first place? Was it wrong that i was ‘good at communication’ and ‘knowledgeable’? Was it wrong that i came, not by myself, but as a ‘baggage’- laden with emotional baggage and wrought with problems? Was it wrong for them to have pinned hopes on me?

Was it then wrong that i had a partner whom i could work well with, but could not get along with at all? Was it wrong that we couldn’t have changed partners at all? Was it wrong that i tried to make things work out and it backfired on me? Was it wrong for me to have taken so many steps back just to make it work out? Was it wrong to lose myself in a bid to make things work? Was it wrong for me to have been so harsh on myself? 

Or was it wrong for me to have come clean? Was it wrong to have confided in someone? Was it wrong for me to admit that i have problems? Was it wrong that i already presented with personal problems way before this? Was it wrong that i got stressed? Was it wrong that i couldn’t handle the stress? Was it wrong that i got emotionally unstable?

I guess it was just a HUGE mistake to have me in the very first place. So what if i’m ‘knowledgeable’? So what if i can ‘communicate well’? So what if i can motivate my team mates? So what if i am ‘cheerful’? So what if i’m ‘confident’?

I AM A FUCKING NUTCASE NOW. FUCKING SCREWED UP. In case you didn’t realise, none of those matter anymore.

They want me to take the time off to pick myself up, and piece it all together again. I know i will, and i can. But what they don’t know is how much this shreds me. How it shreds me into pieces. They don’t know how they have just shoved me off the cliff. The very same cliff they pushed me off. And the very same cliff that i was just climbing back up from. And they want me to pick myself up again. WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?

Why did things have to turn out this way? WHY??? Things were not supposed to go this way. I was supposed to go to the finals. I was going to win it with my partner. I was going to go to London with my partner. And i was going to win the gold for Singapore with my partner. All with the help of my coaches who believed so much in us. So much for believing in the beauty of my dreams.

As much as i’d like to do myself proud, do my family and friends proud, do my trainers and school proud. I can’t. Because it all boils down to the fact that I AM NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. And i’ll never be able to prove myself worthy of anything. And thus i am never going to be deserving of anything.

Stop crying already, Steph. All the tears are not going to undo anything. Nor are they going to change the fact that you have lost everything, and are left with nothing now. All the tears, then and now, were for naught. So just stop crying, girl. Stop.

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