You know what’s easiest?
Running away. Giving up. Avoidance. Blaming. Finding excuses. Anger.
I guess, retrospectively, these are everything that i am engaging in time and time again, especially in tiding through such a trying period. Which is why everything turned out so bloody wrong and awful. The issues are still outstanding right till this very day. I tried to solve issues, and when i was supposed to bull on when everything was going wrong, i headed the other way and took the easy way out.
My mood was a little better today. I don’t know if it’s the work of the happy pill… But i’m quite sure that it’s because i’m no longer shackled and chained. I feel like i can breathe again. Was it that something i wanted so badly was something that was very detrimental to my well-being? And my strong desire for it was clouding my judgement as to whether it was any good to me?
It has not been very helpful that in the time that i have been resting, i am avoiding social contact. I have been cooping myself at home and watching the teevee to distract myself. I barely go out, unless there is a need to. When i go out for appointments and what not, i get disengaged from the world and get too caught up with my own thoughts. I get scared at the prospects of having to talk to someone face to face because i am afraid. All the interactions i had with anyone other than my family since i got home were revolved around what happened. Nothing else. Nothing about happy things, or anything other than my problems. I’ve said it to so many people, but how many people actually understand and know the whole situation? How many people actually believe what i say? I get judged every single time, for being ‘weak’, for being ‘rash’, for being ‘stupid’, for being ‘irresponsible’, and the list goes on. So i avoid interaction. But all the damage done are irrepairable- all those words have been carved onto me. I am vandalised. I present to everyone else with these vandalisms.
You see, there i go blaming others, running away and avoiding. I know no other way which will not drive me crazy. This needs to bloody stop. I have to start on my clinicals again. I cannot afford to be thinking like that anymore. I need to regain my confidence, and return to where i once was.
What gives, seriously? Sad to say, a new issue has surfaced. And this issue is a very damaging one. Fuel to the fire. 😦