Trouble sleeping

No one can even begin to imagine what it’s like until they experience it for themselves.

Why, but i found it so difficult to sleep last night. I was struggling to get into a position comfortable enough to let myself fall asleep. And alas, it was 6am this morning and i was still wide awake.

It’s times like this that i get grounded with the physical pain. It frustrates me. It annoys me. It angers me. But all of those are changed when i know that i cannot get anything done with such negative emotions. It would actually be much better to just breathe slowly, grit and bear through it. Taking it in my stride. That’s what it is.

It’s complicated. When i lie supine, the lumbosacral region of my back hurts. Then when i flex my hips to relief the pain, my hips start to hurt. When i lie laterally, my hips hurts because they are flexed, and my shoulders hurts too. I don’t even hug my bolster much anymore because of the pain. When my legs are just slightly externally or internally rotated, they also start to hurt. When i reach over to check the time or turn off the alarm, my shoulder cries out for help. Wow. Sleeping has never been so difficult. Sleep was supposed to be rest. But it’s such a chore now to even get myself to fall asleep in so much discomfort. It’s not the pain that gets to me. It’s the bloody nagging and gnawing ache that keeps me up forever.

Looking back, i cannot even imagine how i managed with the joint pain for the last 20 years of my life, and 6 years for back pain. How RA affected selected joints, and then finding out that it has spread to almost every synovial joint in my body. My neck has also been quite bothersome in the past year too. How i wish something would take all of these away from me. Not being able to feel like my own age, having to rely on medications just to feel normal and being unable to predict what RA has in store for me.

Sigh. At the very least, it humbles me. (But it also makes me very grumpy.) I guess i’ll take something to knock me out tonight.

C’est la vie.

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