What’s up?

How are you holding up, Steph?

It’s been about 3 months since the whole nightmare, and 6 weeks since it happened. It’s been a long time. I’m still alive and breathing, and functioning like i should be. Perhaps not functioning as well as i’d like to be, but i’m getting there. The facade is up and running again, and it makes things so much easier for myself.

For one, i am still coping. I’m trying to cope with the ways that i am familiar with. I’m trying to cope with new ways that i’ve never tried. Threading on new and untested water, and struggling to stay afloat and not drown to my death. But as my doctor said, i have crossed the line. I’ve crossed the personal boundaries that have been defined by ourselves and by God. And so it seems, that with so many ways that i’ve tried, there is nothing else that i’ll be afraid of.

Why would anyone deface and vandalise themselves? Why would anyone want to harm themselves? It’s something i often question myself. Why do these thoughts intrude my head? Why am i unable to push them away? And why do i let myself put it into action, when i know it’s wrong?

There’s been some progress, however minute. I’ve been reminded by certain special people- that every single day without harming myself, even if it’s a feeble attempt whether in actions or in thoughts, is progress. I’ve been reminded by them that this will be long journey, and that slips and falls will be inevitable. And that all i have to do is trudge on, and trudge forward.

I know what happened has already happened. But on hindsight, i think if it was done with some consideration for my wellbeing, then maybe i wouldn’t have crossed that line. Then again, who would’ve ever thought that i’d go so far? I myself didn’t think that i’d go that far. Things happen for a reason i’m sure. And one day i guess i’ll learn.

RA is sapping a lot of my energy. I try and i try so much just to overcome it everyday. I try to take it in my stride, and i try not anger over why i have to take this shit. I always wish that someone, or something, can take it all away from me so that i’m liberated of the pain that frustrates me so much and causes so much resentment for myself.

I’m ok. I’m doing fine. I’m smiling a little more, and laughing a little louder. I’m talking louder, and with a little more confidence. I can hold up my head, and talk to people in the eye. But i cannot forget. I cannot forgive and i cannot forget. I cannot let go. I can’t eradicate the hatred and resentment. I cannot stop aching, and i cannot stop hurting myself.

I’m getting better and i’m still alive however, and that is what’s important.


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