Ramblings

I got to see, play and cuddle with Poppy, after not being able to see her since I left the house for work on Friday morning. I only had some 20 minutes, but it was good enough. Seeing her cheered me up a lot.

But Mum had to say something STUPID. Thus far, I’ve already done many things that I swore I would never even try. It took me so much courage to even briefly tell them about the situation. Then she said to me to “faster recover”, and to 看开一点.

Thanks a lot, but shame on the parents for not realising that almost all my problems stemmed from them. Just when I’ve decided to perhaps give them a chance to make things right, they said the wrong thing. So I will slam the door right in their face. No more negotiations. No more chances. You’ve screwed me over and over. I’m not about to let you do it again.

Same goes for you-know-what and you-know-who. Thanks a lot for screwing me through and through.

And you know what? Even though I was stressed and even though things were breaking down, I still did well for all
my modules(except for sociology). Nothing less than 4 As and 2 Distinctions. It would have been relevant if I were still in the competition. But I’m not, so who gives a damn now? Nobody. I do think that I pwned someone though. And I’m gloating. Mmhmm.

I’m just waiting for the day to come, for me to lash out on that particular someone. So that I can finally move on. Just you wait and see.

Really. Just quit saying that I’m fine. I am. I am doing so well that I’m gonna drop dead right in front of your face. So just quit rubbing it in. I am functional yes. My cognition is largely intact yes. But I am compulsive and impulsive, with a tendency to harm myself, seething with anger and hatred, and a little discombobulated with my heart fighting the mind and the voices in my head. My attention span is as short as a fly’s. I spend more time in limbo than on earth. I zone out more than I talk to people. I cannot control my temper, and I am less tolerant when people test my patience, including the poor patients. So there you go.

Right till this very day, I am still made to think that I am at fault. And I believe it. Right till this very day, that someone still doesn’t know that it was her words who pushed me over the cliff. Yes I am picking at old wounds. I’m still angry and sore at what had happened, and how easily they could move on, dismissing what she did, placing all the blame on me, and finally telling me there’s a proper closure. Sorry, but what proper closure? I didn’t get that at all. And that apology? Sorry, but I eat my words. I’ll never accept it. I’ll never forgive you.

*phew* This feels kinda cathartic. Next time I should just mention names. It will be a release for me I think.

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