I find that I’m sinking deeper and deeper. The ray of light from the sun fading through the depths of the water as I go deeper. There’s no telling when I can break free of the stones that are bound to my feet. And I’m asphyxiating slowly.
I’ve never been quite like that before- my mind a huge space devoid of any thoughts, my heart a dizzying chaos so much so that I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling.
How long more? How much longer will this take? My room-mate told me that through these, I have to learn to be patient with myself. It’s been awhile, and while I want to return to my life, my heart sinks at the thought of facing my ugly reality with its devilish horns. All that plus people who wear their horns too.
How is it that I’m looking to get out of here? So that life can resume and let it knock me down again? Or so that I get another chance to destroy myself again? I can’t decide.
Maybe it’s time to give life a chance. I’ve been giving myself chances to make it right while I’m here. So give life a chance, by living and truly living? Or give life a chance, by deciding to take a gamble to destroy myself?
That remains a question till I get my stupid arse out of here. Will I ever break through the surface of the water?
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