I’m sick, for real

I’m sick, for real. (Because I’m sick of saying that everything’s fine. I am not for goodness sake. No one who has RA can say that they always feel well. Yet i am expected to be well, and act like i’m well. I’ve had enough of this bullshit already!)

I struggled real hard today. And it has been quite like this for the past few days. I woke up to cold water splashed right in my face(figuratively). It hit me hard that i’m still tightly bound to the vice-like grip of RA.

I guess i had it good for awhile? I never thought i could get near-remission just on 10mg of MTX and 300mg of HCQ. But i attribute it to the regular diclofenacs and etoricoxibs that i had for a month or so. Now that i’m home, i don’t have Arcoxia, and i only take 75mg of diclofenac in the morning, and non after that.

And now i’m as miserable as i can be, going back to state where all i want to do is sleep and watch TV, and never having to pull my shirt over my head because it hurts like some fucking shit. *aargh* All these synovitis creeping back into my joints slowly and insidiously…

It is times like this that i hate my RA with a vengeance. I wish i didn’t have to live with pain. I wish i didn’t have to live with the knowledge that i will never know when i’ll have a good day, and when i’ll not. I wish i didn’t have to rely on medications just to feel normal.  I wish i didn’t have to make these choices everyday- taking medications to feel normal but withstand the side effects that made me sick to my tummy, or bear with the pain and end up frustrated for the rest of the day. And i wish i was just NORMAL.

But i am not.

So i guess i’m really sick of having to tolerate pain. Because i have recognised RA pain as a major stressor in my life, i am going to treat myself better. Rely on pain medications! Because i have a whole long life in front of me. If i don’t get past this pain, i won’t get anywhere far. Pop the pill first, then anything else can be done.

I still have this terribly icky purulent sputum sitting deep in my chest with no accompanying cough whatsoever. I had this problem for almost 2 months, back in August, and now it’s back to haunt me. About a month this time round. The stupid doctors refused to give me anything but cough syrup. My bloody cough reflex is getting supressed, like it was then, and as it is now. So how the bloody hell am i to expectorate this purulent sputum? At this rate that i’m going with such long periods of purulence and a compromised immune system(due to MTX), i am going to get pneumonia. I just took a 600mg dose of acetylcysteine that i got myself OTC to liquefy the grossly thick sputum and hopefully expectorate EVERYTHING(like real only) out. And i am not going to bloody waste my time and money visiting money-grubbing GPs just to have them prescribe OTC cough mixtures and see their stupid condescending smiles. Please. I don’t need so many things on my plate now. C’mon immune system. FIght harder!!!


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