I don’t know. It’s really been such a wild ride, being thrown into loops and unending twists, getting sick to the stomach, and my face a pale grey.
It’s been what, some 5 months? Who knew it’d take me so long? Who knew I needed so much time? Who knew things would happen like it did? Well not me. If you asked me, I can still recall very vividly, what happened this year. Everything about how things took for a turn, everything about what made me cry, and everything that I’ve come to realise and learn.
My social worker told me that I have very valid reasons for having things crumble. Everything that I was holding up and ‘coping’ with… While it’s comforting to know that, I don’t care about these valid reasons. I don’t care about what has happened 13 years ago. I don’t care about what happened in my growing up years. I dont care what happened in the last 1.5 years. Those will always be there, and I can’t change what happened. I care about what happened this year. What happened through it all. Because things could’ve changed for the better, but yet they chose not to let it be. They made a choice.
I may be a cynic, but somehow deep down inside, I’d like to believe people are inherently good even though I always first assume them to be not. Like how I always wished taxi drivers won’t be taking the long route so I can tip them by asking them to keep the change. Even I find it hard to believe that I am like that. But I am, and I didn’t think they’d do what they did.
I guess I’ve given up, but I’ve not let go. And giving up is what was yours to begin with, while letting go is what was never yours. Nothing they do now will ever change my perception of them. And my perception of them since then, has been tainted. Badly tainted, and beyond repair. I will, I assure you, tell people of how kind these people are, and how at the hands of such people, my life has somewhat transformed for the better. They will know that disillusionment is what they will be overcomed by initially, that their horns will show in time to come. That they are really evil people without a heart, or even a soul. Conniving. Deceitful. Liars. Inhumane. Fucktards.
Because they are. And I fail to comprehend how they can return home everyday, and be able to sleep despite what happened. Because hell yeah, anyone with a conscience wouldn’t be able to.
I’m over and done with it. It’s done and dusted. I’m waiting for January 22 to come. And I’ll have the last laugh, and that’s that. The truth will set me free, and yes it will. Because I fell through the cracks with them trampling on me, and they will not gain honour no matter the outcome. No honor, no glory, whatsoever.
I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough bullshit this year. It was the best thing I did for myself- getting them out of my face, and Facebook. It helped immensely, when I was left alone. But I was disturbed this morning. By a message. A message that was uncalled for if they actually gave a damn about my circumstances. Ignorant and indifferent, insensitive maybe. I wanted so much to reply and scream. To ask them to LOOK and see for themselves what really is going on, and how much they fucked me up. HELLO!? Some sensitivity here if you refuse to even care! But I promised myself NOT to talk to them, and I won’t. Because I’m better than that, and I deserve better than the piles of shit they’ve been throwing at me.
Leave me alone. Please. Don’t do anything, if you don’t know what to do. You’ve already been doing that, so why not keep status quo and leave it at that? And you know what? That message that came this morning? It would’ve helped a lot if that came 3 months ago, albeit with the content different, and would’ve made a world of a difference then. But it doesn’t now, and I take it with offense. Really.
So just leave me alone. I do my thing and you do yours. I don’t care what you are doing. I only care about what I have to do, and what it takes to be better and graduate. Anything else would entirely be of no purposeful use to me, and I really can’t care less.
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