Summing up 2010

I’m sure most would agree, that 2010 whizzed by.

I remember my desperate attempt to get myself BCLS-certified due to limitations caused by RA.

I remember struggling to study for the exams with hips that didn’t agree with sitting for long hours.

I remember the beginnings of something that I clung onto so dearly, and everything that it entailed.

I remember my severely hyponatremic patient who became severely hypoxic- very peculiar and puzzling till today.

I remember fighting to ensure I had a job after I graduated.

I remember checking out our final timetable high up in Genting Highland’s Starbucks.

I remember telling myself to never cry because that would be a sign of weakness, and to pass everything because I couldn’t take failure as an outcome.

I remember breaking down in front of my class just because I wasn’t ready to be assessed, and because I was wearing slippers.

I remember my skill assessments, and how I was wrought with anxiety till my radial nerves tingled.

I remember the tremendous amount of stress I was in. I was fighting battles on several fronts.

I remember realising that I needed help, because things were spinning out of control.

I remember confiding in people whom I thought I could trust, because i wanted to help myself.

I remember vividly, the chain of events that started from the 21st of July.

I remember those faces, those voices, those words that encouraged, those words that stung like acid, and those actions which i still fail to comprehend.

I remember everything that hurt me and stabbed me like knives.

I remember how i was defeated not by the folly of others, and inherently by myself.

I remember how I tried and tried so hard to make things right again. 

I remember trying to retain my sanity, rational mind and reason through it all.

I remember giving in and changing myself till i knew myself no more.

I remember trying to straighten things out, but had all the blame pushed to me in the end.

I remember the betrayal that hurt so much.

I remember the tension in the air, my straight face, the shame I felt, and the tears that fell.

I remember those words that made me snap.

I remember the pain that I was in.

Everything was futile in the end.

I remember getting hurt over and over again for they had no mercy, no sympathy.

I remember the sheer absurdity of it all, and how inherently cruel and heartless they were.

I remember trying to swallow the fact that they were insensitive, selfish and stupid- something which I never thought they were.

I remember the moment of realisation that they were just making use of me, and learning that they never had my best interest at heart.

I remember how they left me promptly to pick up the broken pieces myself.

I remember the few admissions i’ve had, the doctors i’ve spoken to, and the nurses i’ve interacted with.

I remember the fleeting thoughts i’ve had, the loud and harsh demeaning voice in my head and the soft whimper of optimism being drowned out.

I remember the times when it felt more apt to harm myself, the time I spent convincing myself otherwise, the time I spent carving away on flesh, and the blood that was shed.

I remember the many times where i sorely regretted things that i did, the bitter lessons I’ve learnt and the conclusions that i’ve gathered.

I remember the realisation of how disillusioned I was, the realisation of how ugly this world really is, and the realisation of how antagonistic the society is.

I remember the ever so frequent shaking of my head accompanied by the silent fuck.

Oh and the tears shed. I must’ve lost my mind.

I remember the sheer difficulty of recovery.

I remember the doctor visits, endless therapy sessions, and the hundreds of pills that I’ve taken to date.

I remember revelling in the little battles won.

I remember being crestfallen at the battles that I lost.

I remember the support from the people who stuck by my side through it all, the people who never judged me through it all, and the people who really mattered.

I remember how i alternated between progression and regression, and being discombobulated in the midst of it all.

I remember learning how to be patient with myself, and accepting setbacks as they come, and overcoming them eventually.

I remember celebrating the positive side of me, negating the bad side of me, and embracing everything that was in between.

It’s been a tough year. It’s been a really tough and rough year.

But I trudged through it all, and perhaps it is the greatest gift I’ve been given.

I look upon the past and I recall the blood and tears I’ve shed, the joy and laughter somewhere in between, the seething rage and anger that boiled and the unrelenting glimmer of hope that keeps reappearing. I look upon the past and I feel the deep, dull ache in my heart. The deep, dull ache that only time can heal. The deep, dull ache that will serve to remind me of the battles I’ve fought, lost and won.

2011 will be a better year, because the only way is up, and things can only get better I’m sure.

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