Mes Reveries

One year ago, i wrote a post about 2009 and made a list of resolutions for 2010. Today, i will write about 2010, and my hopes for the future.

2010 was really a year about self-discovery. It was really a time to learn so much about myself- what i can do, what i cannot do, what i ought to do, and what i must learn to do. It was a continual learning journey that never ceased. It is by God’s grace and mercy that i am able to be here in 2011, and look upon my past as life lessons, taught to me to make me a stronger and more resilient person. And it is also by the will of God, that i am able to stand here and say today that i have no regrets. Sure there are things which i would have done differently if i had another chance, but every mistake made makes me a wiser person.

I have said that 2010 was the shittiest year i’ve ever lived through. I will say honestly that it was most definitely the most trying period of my whole life. I will say that i very nearly didn’t get to the see the light of day again. I will say that i’ve cried the most in my entire life in 2010. I will say that it has been the most emotionally painful year of all. But i will say now, that it’s been a year in which i’ve learnt the most, and the learning curve has been the steepest yet. It was tough yes, but most definitely fruitful as well.

Staying grounded was unfortunately not quite my forte, as i have learnt. I was helium balloon floating into the infinite sky, and i had to be pulled back to the ground. If not for being re-grounded, that would’ve been the end of me.

I was too ambitious. Far too ambitious. I wanted control. I wanted to do well. When i got them, i decided it wasn’t enough. I wanted more control. I wanted to do even better. To put it simply, i was was never contented. I guess then, all i wanted was to do my best so that i’ll never have regrets. There wasn’t any fault in wanting to be my best. But there lies a fault in how i was going to be my best.

I was described as a perfectionist, a control freak, and someone who was very idealistic. And these traits in combination, was the perfect recipe for a breakdown, as well as the disorders of the mind that i ended up with.

My sense of self-worth was contingent on acceptance and approval from the people around me. The more acceptance and approval i got, the higher my sense of self-worth. Of course it would apply to the opposite, except that not only did my sense of self-worth dip, every other part of me went down the sewer too. Because it is so so so easy to demean yourself. I never really realised how much i was reliant on how people took to me until 2010 happened.

I knew i had very poor coping mechanisms, but i didn’t know the extent of it till 2010 happened. I thought i was coping in some way or another. But i was really just sitting on the problems. Throughout the whole year, i had been trying to solve the problems, and when i couldn’t, i seemingly found a solution for it, or simply sat on it and let it rest. Of course it didn’t occur to me that every little thing had a part to play in building the inner tension, and it took me a really hard lesson to actually find that out.

I am a very emotional person. I value interpersonal relationships a lot. It takes very little for me to warm up to anyone. It takes very little to build up an amicable relationship. But it also takes very little to destroy the relationship. I think a lot with my heart, and i feel like communication should always be from the heart and not the mind. And that is why i am always wrought with emotions- anger, sadness, happiness- when i’m around people. That is why i get stirred easily, and why i get hurt time and time again.

I get asked so many times, if i am/was in a relationship. I snigger at that question every single time. It seems like people my age only have boy-girl relationships as a legitimate reason for having things go awry. I find that amusing really. What’s more amusing is when people learn that i am from nursing school. I don’t see why i have to be in a relationship to have things go awry, and i don’t see how being in nursing school makes me any less vulnerable to these. It really goes to show, i have to say again, how much of effort, commitment and dedication i invested in it. And i guess that was why there was so much heart ache and pain.

Being chronically ‘ill’ and being on several medications has opened my eyes wide. I don’t like being bogged down by a chronic disease and daily medications, but i thank God for blessing me with such an opportunity to see and feel the healthcare we have through the eyes of a patient. I am humbled, always.

There are always lessons to learn. There are lessons to take home in everything that happens. Things don’t happen without a reason. Things happen with a reason, and with very good ones at that. It’s there. We just have to find it. It doesn’t have to be something that is pleasant, and more often than not it is something that we don’t want or like to know. But we have to find a gift in everything.

So here i am in 2011, looking back at 2010, not knowing if i should laugh or cry about everything that happened. Letting go and moving is one thing. Walking out of my own shadow is another thing. I cannot forget what has happened. But if i cannot forget what’s past, the least i can do is to avoid the same mistakes i made in the past. To grow and learn endlessly with whatever that life throws in my face.

I’ve grown so estranged from the path that i have initially mapped out for myself because of what happened. She keeps telling me to always go back to why i joined nursing in the first place, and to hold onto that when everything else fails. Today, for the first time in 6 months, i actually spoke about my plans for my future as a nurse. And that put a smile on my face.

I don’t have to follow the path that i have set out for myself. I will follow the path which God wants me to follow, and embrace everything that comes my way. Setbacks as lessons to strengthen me, successes as lessons to humble me.

In 2011, i want to happy again. Truly happy.

🙂

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