Couldn’t you see? It’s been 4 long years, and I’ve given everything I could afford just to be functional.
She had to take matters in her hands, and stood up for me. She couldn’t take it standing any longer. What more myself?
“She’s been such a good girl. She comes for her follow-ups, does all the required blood tests, and adheres to her medication. Her disease is very real, we know that. She’s gone through so much. And despite all these she still stays optimistic. The medications have been affecting her liver, and that is why her RA hasn’t been all that well-controlled. She is a very good girl, I can tell. I think it’s time to do something for her.”
She couldn’t have said it in a better way. All the tension and grievances summed up in such a brief conversation. She was on my side fighting for me. She was able to do so despite brief follow-ups with me. She was uncannily right.
I do not know why things happened the way they did. I’ve been fighting so hard to live a normal and functional life free from pain. I didn’t have a choice- circumstances didn’t allow it, and I was forced to take matters in my hands.
I didn’t need much. I just needed them to be there when I was in pain. I didn’t need them ignoring me and dismissing me with a wave of their hand.
I didn’t need the unnecessary comments.
“You are a waste of my money.”
“You should’ve grown out of it by now.”
“You seemed to be better without medications. The medications seem to cause you more problems.”
“Why is she so lazy and always tired?”
I am NOT lazy. I am NOT tired by choice. The medications make me better, but they come with a price and with side effects. I will NOT grow out of it. And yes I’m in pain, but I’m not allowed to even be anything less than well.
I’ve been trying so hard, so long. I guess all the years spent trying to be stoic just couldn’t sustain me any longer.
My body protested, and I would say that I was left writhing in pain. For the first time in my life, I needed help to get dressed. I needed help to pull the blankets over myself. I was in so much pain I couldn’t sleep. I guess I kinda gave up with my grit-and-bear stance. I’ve had enough.
It finally gave way to tears. Everything that I had to bear with, everything that I had to put up a false front, and everything that I had to hide with a smile. Those tears weren’t even enough.
I shut them out because they hurt me- I didn’t want to get hurt again and again. She doesn’t get it. She insists that I am the one who first pushed them away. I was just protecting myself and nothing more. I wasn’t even trying to hurt them.
She apologised. She wants me to give them another chance. I said I would, but if they were to fail me again, then that door is shut forever. She told me that I’m not alone. But I told her that I’ve never felt so lonely in my years living in pain.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the daughter that you wanted. But you know what? There are people out there who are proud of me. They respect me, and they genuinely care.
I don’t know what they’ll give to make this work. But I know that I am tired of these all.
It has always been me and my rheumy for the last 3 years, and it’s been working out just fine. I don’t want a change in dynamics. And I still want to be fully in charge. I just need to turn 21 in 5 months time, then I’ll truly break free from their clutches.
Time and time again, my rheumy has surpassed my expectations. Gotta love her.
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