And i would say, that the tears were never enough.
I’ve come a long way. A really really long way. The journey hasn’t been easy. More tumultuous than anything i could have fathomed. Here i am, living and breathing in 2011, and on my way to becoming a registered nurse.
I’m humbled. Always. I almost didn’t make it to see the light of day on several occasions. But i like to say that i am like a cockroach- an unrelenting one which never dies. I have no one to thank except for God, for He was the one who salvaged me when all was forsaken.
It hurts. It hurts very badly when i had to lose it all. It hurts to know that i am behind my peers. But all those tears and heart ache then, were not for naught. Every tear i shed was for the amount of sheer determination, tenacity and hardwork i’ve invested. The tears were for everything which i rightfully earned but eventually lost.
I would say that if none of those happened, today would be my big day, and so would be the next 2 days. But i stand here today knowing that if things were different then, and if i was ‘treated appropriately’, i wouldn’t be what i am today. I would be craving for the glory, the victory, all those mindless and intangible things that would only serve to make me an arrogant and snobbish moron. And nothing more. Nothing like the nurse that i want to be.
I didn’t have the wisdom then to know why things happened the way it did. I was so consumed and overwhelmed with anger, hatred and melancholy. I lamented that i was ‘ill-treated’, that i should never have been treated that way. I cried for the loss of what was rightfully mine. That place in the team that would only feed my ego, boost my pride, and nothing more.
I have not gained the full wisdom to understand what’s past. But i stand here and i know that i have grown so much. I’ve grown so much as human- as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a student and a nurse. I’ve learnt so much more in my journey of recovery than i have in the 7 months of training. I’ve learnt the lessons that only life can teach, and i say again that i am humbled. Always humbled.
Now, i go to work everyday with renewed hopes that each new day brings. I look forward to seeing my patients, helping my patients, putting myself in their shoes, and empowering them. The pills i pop, the pain my arthritis brings, the triggers i get, the scars i have, the fine tremors the anti-depressants give me, the low mood that comes with any of the mentioned… All of these are little reminders everyday in my life which serve to remind me of what my patients are going through.
All my experiences in life i guess, are like building blocks. With each journey, i grow taller, wiser, more humbled and more mature. And these building blocks are the very things which are instrumental in shaping and influencing me as a nurse and as a person.
So yes i was hurt. Yes there was a lot of heart ache. Yes i cried endlessly. But the Steph today isn’t the same Steph as 6 months ago. The Steph today is stronger, wiser, hardier and more insightful. The Steph today is a better nurse than she has ever been, and will continue to grow and learn much more as a nurse in time to come.
Praise God for everything, and live strong. Walk with your head up, for you’ve fought a really hard battle, and you made it through it all. Be humbled, always.