A huge mess

My pain management is really bad. My coping mechanisms don’t count for anything. And I’m just a really huge mess.

I’m surprised at how much of a difference diclofenac makes in my pain management. My MTX has been upped to 15mg, my diclofenac down to nothing, tramadol and codeine added to the list, along with the nightly amitriptyline and ketoprofen plasters. The pain is getting to me. To hell with GI bleeding. I need my diclofenac and prednisolone. Who cares if I’m bleeding internally if I’m in so much pain. I need it controlled if I want to be my best at work. Bcause for the first time during work, transferring a patient hurt the hell of my inflamed wrists and fingers.

Hb dropped again and urea a little high because I was having PR bleeding. Or is it PV? We don’t really know actually. Drives me mad that everything’s a mess and out of control.

Sapped of all my energy. I have finally finished my Gerontology posting. Will be embarking on my final posting come Monday. It’ll mean a brand new environment with unfamiliar faces. I am hoping adapting to the new ward will not stress me out so much. And I am hoping that the ward will be as positive a place as the gerontology ward.

I am desperate for something to minimize the disease activity to something tolerable. My rheumy appointment is so faaaaaar, which makes me really pissed cos’ it means that I have to grit and bear with the pain till then. Heck. I don’t even think I can expect much out of the next appointment because it is not my own rheumy that I’m seeing. I’m seeing a registrar who is very nice, but at the same time not as experienced as my rheumy. Bleargh.

And my mind’s a muddled mess after what happened last week. It was something uncalled for, but I guess it is a way for me to cope when everything gets too overwhelming. It was very real. Too real in fact. I’m just grateful that I have someone to keep me in check, and take over when I am rendered unfit to make any real decisions.

I thought the worst was over. I really thought so. But it doesn’t seem to be the case. So much pain, stiffness, fatigue, doubts and negativity. And pills as well.

Sigh. Can you really blame me for being a pessimist?

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