I guess I can’t do this alone. Nor can I ignore what my body’s trying to tell me. The idealistic situation I’ve been trying to aim for isn’t realistic, really. And so I’m back to managing my expectations, rewriting my goals, giving myself time, and giving myself a break which I deserve.
I guess I tried too hard, too fast. I was trying to surpass myself. I was trying to surpass the expectations that people had of me. Or rather, the imagined expectations which I made them out to be. I wanted to be the best I could. I wanted to show them that I wasn’t going to use the past as an excuse to be underperforming. In fact I wanted to put to shame, those who were fortunate enough to stay on track, and escape the terrible clutches of what one would call illnesses. I needed to prove myself to be the great nurse that I know I am. I wanted to throw it in everybody’s face that if I could do it, anyone could.
It was a really 4 tough weeks that I went through. I fought with all my might to be the best I could. I took the initiative to ask the staff nurses to let me take cases although it wasn’t part of my learning objectives. I wrote reports without any help whatsoever. I took on cases and did junior work as well. I passed reports without any guidance. I did wound dressings, tube feedings, blood glucose monitoring, put up drips, without any supervision. I served medications and gave injections with minimal supervision. It was self-directed learning, and I was largely left alone to do the things I wanted to do. To say the least, they liked me enough, and knew how competent I was. They liked me enough to want me to return to them after I graduate.
But I was running out of fuel. I tried too hard and too fast, that it sucked so much life out of me. I was in pain from the poorly-controlled RA. I was terribly fatigued by the RA and anemia. I was shagged because my sleep was disrupted. So tired and in pain. Yet I wasn’t allowed to be anything other than my best. Or so I thought- I seemed to have imagined all of these rules. And all these imaginary rules are rules that I believed to be very real, and are rules that I stubbornly stick to.
I said yesterday. “How am I going to survive the next 13 weeks? I can’t do this anymore.”
I want to graduate with my cohort. I really want to, as I’ve insisted for the past 6 months. But I’m pushing myself over the limit with the tight time frame I set for myself.
Why is it that my peers can stay on track, and I can’t? It must be because I am a perfectionist. I try and I try too hard. No one would ever imagine me- the ‘smart’ girl- to ever be lagging behind everyone else. I guess it is true, that “even the best fall down sometimes”. I am not the best. It is always something I’m striving towards though.
Time to mop up the mess I’ve created. Time to revisit my expectations. Time to be kinder to myself. Time to give myself a good break. And time to stop imagining things that do not even exist.
Posted from WordPress for Android