I was asked by my doctor:
“What would you do if you had a million dollars?”
I was honestly stunned at the nature of the question. I thought about it for a split second, then I answered:
“There wouldn’t be anything that can be bought, which I want that could make me happy. We believe so much in instant gratification and materialism, but nothing we buy can give us true happiness. Tangible things are always temporary. They wouldn’t last.”
I didn’t know where it came from, but this was my answer. And I believe in it, that nothing tangible could make us truly happy. It is the intangible part of our lives that makes our existence in the world, a bearable and happy one.
I’ve been told by many healthcare professionals in the team caring for me- doctors, psychologists, social workers- that I have good insight and a good sense of self-awareness.
I do not necessarily agree. But sometimes I wonder. If it were to be true, then what is it? Which part of my mind is making things difficult for myself? Why are seemingly easy and fairly uncomplicated things so complex and peculiar? If I have good insight and self-awareness, why I couldn’t I take what I know, and apply it to myself?
I wonder if I can truly return to my pre-morbid state, and stay there for a long-enough period of time. The 3 weeks were too brief, as compared to the 20 years I’ve lived pre-morbidly. I find it incredulous that depression can be more debilitating than a chronic and autoimmune rheumatological disease. It never ceases to amaze me how differently both conditions affect my functioning- one physically, the other mentally. And it is always the mind that beats everything else hands down. Sad but c’est la vie!
I thought I could start the year positively; it did. And very well at that too. But it seems like all good things must come to an end. Perhaps it is more likely that I have sabotaged myself more than ever. That I am inherently, the cause of my downfall.
Sickening to know, isn’t it?
I wish I could be truly happy again. I know I will, if I let myself be. It’s difficult when there are chemical imbalances up there in the head. But I’ll let the medications settle that, and I will work with God to do the rest.
I remember reading, and then subsequently telling myself and writing an entry about it. To find a gift in everything.
I am trying. Can you?
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