For the first time in a long time, the conversation over the phone ended in tears.
All I wanted to scream was:
“BUT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!”
I felt like I was blamed for all the problems that I’ve had. I was made to feel that I just wasn’t strong enough- that I was inherently weak. I felt like it was all my own doing, that I could make things better but chose not to and instead chose to fall down the deep dark hole.
Not even a single bit of empathy. Not even a speck of it. I got agitated. I got very worked up. Tears started to fall, and all I wanted to do was to hang up the phone right there and then.
I shouldn’t have spoke in that manner. But I couldn’t help it. I felt like I was going to go berserk if I let the conversation go on. In fact I let it go on for too long. The word that flashed in my head in neon lights was the word TOXIC.
How could i?
Do you think that I actually want myself to fall down that deep dark hole again? I don’t, very very honestly. I’ve never stopped wishing since last October, for myself to complete my clinicals and graduate by this May.
The 2nd month-long admission delayed it and I had to eat humble pie and tell myself to give myself time. Then came the stretch of 17 weeks, which I braced myself for. I doubted that I could pull through, but I felt like I was out of depression, and that I was going to make it work.
I made it work for the first 3 weeks. But everything started to fall apart in the 4th week. My RA and pain was very poorly managed. I was constantly fatigued by both the active RA and unresolving anemia. I had unexplained bleeding, and my Hb dropped again. My sleep was very disrupted to the point that I became confused and disoriented when I woke up several times in the night. I needed my family to tell me what was real and what wasn’t- I couldn’t tell what were dreams and what were reality anymore. I was a walking zombie and was unable to concentrate at work and constantly yawning. It wasn’t a wonder that I made mistakes, which I wasn’t quite reprimanded for.
It wasn’t the mistakes that brought me down. It was more like a catalyst. It was, coupled with my health issues and emotional issues, what that started the downward spiral. My social worker and doctor agreed that I was in no shape to work.
So I don’t like it when I’m being told that I should just “psycho” myself out of it. That I can just “sleep it away”.
I’m sorry but I can’t. I just cannot do that. And I’m telling you, that unless you’ve been through it before, you’ll NEVER EVER understand. You cannot even begin to understand.
Have a little mercy on me please. I’m only human.
The sweet promise that death gives is always tempting.
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