So flawed

I guess i tried too hard.

I tried too hard for the 20 years of my life.

I tried and i tried so hard to thrive in the conditions which i grew up in. The conditions were not bad actually. Just a little less than ideal. The way i was neglected as a middle child, the way i had to fend for myself and for my siblings, the way which i was forced to be independent. Everything little thing that happened then shaped my life, even  right here and right now.

Was i really that flawed? Was i already wrong in my actions and words since i was a kid? Was that why people around me were walking on eggshells? Was i really such a nightmare to be with?

I must have been, and perhaps still is, disliked by many.

I don’t know what to make of it. It was thrown into my face just like that, and i can’t seem to grapple with the fact that it was more of nurture than nature, that shaped who i am today. I was pretty helpless i guess, growing up in such conditions, and can you really blame me for something that was borned out of helplessness?

I keep disappointing. But why do the people around me have high expectations of me? I always fail to deliver, and will always disappoint. People around me just don’t get that i don’t deliver, try as i might. And maybe if they stop expecting, i’ll finally be able to live up to expectations. Because all those expectations are so unattainable, so far from reach, impossible even.

I wished it never was this way. I’ve had too much on my plate for the past months and i’ve paid my dues. All i wanted was to start the year anew. Is it that difficult?

They tell me i’m paranoid. Extremely paranoid. A lot of what goes in my head were imagined, so it seems. And i wonder how those thoughts even actually form in my head. I didn’t think i was paranoid. I just felt like i was always thinking of worse-case scenarios, imagining the ugly, and convincing myself that i was never good enough. Then i understood why they say that i’m paranoid. I really am paranoid, damn it.

At the same time, this thing i am grappling with might just be the answer to the problems i have. Not quite answers, but a cause. That something shaped me to be who i am, and that this something was also the one which caused my downfall. At least if it is confirmed, then i wouldn’t have to question myself every single day for the things that i do which puzzle even myself.

There is no one to find fault with. No one was to blame. Not me, not my parents, not my friends, nor my siblings. It was everything which came together through the 20 years- happy or sad, good or bad.

I guess then, if i cannot find a good in it, then i’ll have to find a gift in it.

Can all of these just stop? They seem to keep coming relentlessly. I don’t think i can take anymore of these.

Do you know how it feels to dream and be so near yet so far from attaining your dream?

I feel like i’m so close, yet so far.

I don’t even know what i should be doing anymore.

*sigh*

Can i turn 21 on a positive note?

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