Hitting the wall

Change i guess, is the only constant.

Save for the fact that we do hit the wall sometimes, and are faced with a dead end. A dead end that could mean anything from helplessness, tenacity, alternatives, or stagnation. Sad isn’t it?

I wish i could buy happiness. I wish materialism was the answer to happiness.  And i wish instant gratification never existed. But of course none of those exist, and that’s why i’ve hit the wall, and why i’ve been facing the wall for many months. Is it helplessness? I would guess so. Any inch of tenacity? Perhaps, if i never cease to keep trying. Alternatives? There are no alternatives to happiness. And stagnation? I don’t think i could ever stagnate on being miserable.

I thought that i could buy happiness. I bought so many hoodies and cardigans, thinking that hiding in a baggy top or having my arms all covered from any hint of my ‘obesity’ would make me a happier person. Or rather, they would make going out more enjoyable. I thought buying a pretty and expensive wallet would make me happy. But nah. None of those. I’m still met with the wall, except that i am more exasperated than ever now.

And more exasperation and frustration comes with hitting the concrete wall with pain management. Well i thought that drugs could do anything. I thought i could buy my way to being pain-free. But apparently not. It doesn’t always work. And because change is always constant, nothing ever stays the same. Don’t know when that breakthrough will come, but i sure hope i get to climb over that wall soon enough with some tenacity and alternatives.

Change is the only constant, and everything changes by the moment. I learn so much from all these changes, be it sudden revelations or the long-drawn process of musing and rationalising. They aren’t necessarily changes i embrace with open arms. They may be harsh, demeaning or even sad. But i guess  i’ve learnt to take them on as they come. They make me wiser and a little more insightful everytime, if anything.

Now for the wall. I hope i don’t get stuck at the wall. I need to climb over those walls or break them down. But i’ve got to find the means and ways, as well as the strength to do so.


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