I tried to hold it back, because she’s never seen me cry. And I was afterall in her words, a ‘good girl’ with a ‘positive outlook’. I didn’t want to cry in front of her, but I did anyway.
How was I not to?
She wants to help, but she feels so helpless because she doesn’t know everything. But she sincerely wants to help. She’s making the effort despite her busy schedule, and I really appreciate it.
She remembers that I’ve been doing well in school. She remembers how hard I’ve been trying together with her, how I tried to stay compliant and adherent to treatment, tests and follow-ups. She remembers the difficulty we have with my labile liver. And she cares.
I always appreciate the things she say or do, because she is mindful. Very mindful.
I told her that it’s been really long. That I’ve been disappointing so many people lately. Then I told her that I was afraid of seeing her because I felt like I was such a huge disappointment to her. But she said no. Not at all. I am her patient, and she has no other expectations. No expectations, no disappointments.
She said to me “you’re very lovely you know?”, but I said no. I am too fat. And stupid too. Then she reminded me how much different I have become since I fell into depression. She said “you’re so different now”, and I said yes. I am aware of it.
The nurse added on after that, that they always enjoy and look forward to seeing me. That I’m such a ‘beautiful’ and ‘fair’ girl. But I shook my head. I had nothing to say. And I didn’t know what to say.
Because I am such a failure, a let-down and always not good enough. Because I am fat, and I hate myself right through the bones.
They want to see me get better. They want my pain to be better managed. They want the old Steph back, just like what I want, and just like the people around me want.
I guess I just need to get over my biggest obstacle, which really is myself.
Hb 9.7 with a low RBC and haematocrit, and an elevated RDW. Elevated ESR with normal ALT and AST.
No changes in my triple-DMARD therapy. Just an additional daily 5mg of prednisolone which I will not be taking because of the same old fears. Finally getting an ultrasound of my upper limb joints. Hopefully that happens when I have flares.
I was right. It is a trend that I get flares only after I see my rheumy. And right now my wrist is flaring. Oh joy.
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