On my own

26 days and 25 nights- with laughter and in tears, being hopeful and despaired, with new revelations and insights, and ultimately being immersed in a journey of self-discovery…

I am finally on my own once again.

And i will either make it, or break it.

I honestly do not have the confidence in myself to actually ‘make’ it. But if not now, then when?

Learnt so much that toxic people DO NOT MATTER. That in the end, what matters is that you do not let them screw you. That you can make a choice and stand up against these toxic people, and tell yourself that you do not deserve to be treated with such disrespect, that you are not dirt for them to trample on, and what’s important is that you do not need to seek approval or acceptance from them. Because they are just not worth it. Life is so much better when you shut them out.

What matter are the people who actually embrace you for everything that you are, and are able to see the beauty in you no matter how flawed and imperfect you are. They laugh with you, and they cry with you. They matter because they love you, and they matter because you love them as well.

I, if you’ve realised, do not love myself. I fail to see the good in me- too fat, too weak, too stupid, too impulsive, too antagonistic, too cynical, and too ugly. I hate everything about me. But through this journey of self-discovery, i have learnt that much of it are figments of my imagination. I’ve grown too comfortable in demeaning myself that i actually let it define me. And i am not all of those. I am not. Of course there is some truth in how i define myself, but it is not everything that i am. I am so much more. And i guess i have to learn to embrace and accept myself for who i truly am.

I mean, i’ve never really seen it before. Although it is not that it is not happening, it is just that i refuse to see it. But i have this time- being loved, cared for and accepted by people who just like me the way i am. Nevermind the melancholy, the self-esteem issues, the arthritis, the assertiveness and what not. And it is very reassuring.

I guess the only thing of myself that i am able to fully accept, is that i am a good nurse. And a fucking good nurse at that. I miss everything about being a nurse, but i know it isn’t fair to my patients if were to return being anything less than my best. I think about the patients i’ve had all the time- the one whom i lost, the ones whom i was humbled by, the ones who put a smile on my face, the ones who faced adversity with courage, the ones who never gave up, the ones who were always jovial and understanding, and just about every single patient i’ve cared for in my short nursing life who have made me a better nurse and a better person.

And i will be the nurse i’ve always wanted to be. In due time.

I am, to be awfully truthful, sick of popping pills as of late. Each morning and evening that i have to take my pills, i stare at them and wonder “why do i even bother?”. Yes. Why do i even bother? I look at the pills, as though they are something so utterly repulsive, though in actual fact, they are helping me to a certain extent. *aargh* Why is this so difficult? I am going to endeavor to reduce the number of medications i take. I mean, my drug regimen used to be so simple and i was already lamenting then. What about now? So utterly frustrating that i cannot even begin to describe it with words. *AARGH* So fucking tempted to be non-compliant. But i know i will pay my dues in time to come if i really jump off the compliance wagon. Fuck.

RA is being a HUGE pain in the ass. Flares every single day. Stiffness is creeping back with inactivity. I am FULLY compliant to 15mg of MTX, 300mg of HCQ, 1g of SSZ, 75-150mg of diclofenac, and 5mg of prednisolone. What the hell? What am i doing wrong here? Why the fuck is there still pain  and stiffness with triple-DMARD therapy and two anti-inflammatories??? I am obviously still very bad at my pain management. What am i to do really?

Stomatitis and slight hair loss once more due to MTX.

On a random note, i for the first time in my life, spent 8 hours coloring. Coloring what you might ask? Coloring in my Hello Kitty coloring book.  Just to take my mind off things. Triggered off unprecedented flares in my right finger joints.

Aiyah.

What the hell lah.

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