Finding my bearings

Let’s just say that i am in the midst of trying to regain my bearings in this strange and complicated world.

It always isn’t easy to confront your problems. I had 4.5 hours of therapy in all today, and my brain was fried with my heart a little too overwhelmed for my comfort. Especially after having to sit on all my problems for close to a month. It’s like a splash of icy cold water in your face, and you’re like ‘DAMNED!!!’. I wish there was an easy way out, but there isn’t. And i guess i really have to want it enough to be able to make that change and take that first step forward. There is only so much that drugs can do. Hoping that the low mood- triggered by the sad revelation that i’m so inherently weak and flawed-will pass soon. *aargh*

It isn’t exactly very helpful that my RA is being such a fucking bitch who refuses to relent. Admittedly I am adamant about taking my daily 5mg of prednisolone, but who wouldn’t be? There is only so much 5mg can do therapeutically, but there is so much more in terms of the side effects that it can possibly wreck on the body. And that is why even though prednisolone is never taken PRN, i do it all the time and only when necessary. My hips are starting to hurt and stiffen, and that is a pretty accurate indicator that the disease activity is on a rise, because they only flare in my worst periods. The flares in all other joints are still happening every single day, with longer periods of stiffness after inactivity. And what’s worse is that i only saw my rheumy 2 weeks ago, and i have to grit and bear with the level of disease activity until i see her early June.

What a bummer.

I know i’ve mentioned it before, that pain is a stressor for me, and that i’ve decided to manage my pain well instead of putting up with the pain and letting it affect my mood. But looking at how things have been since i said that, my pain has been far from being managed. It’s been months actually. And i guess that is what that’s the most frustrating- not being in control.

Alright alright. Maybe i do deserve to be in pain for refusing prednisolone. Who am i kidding right?

*sigh*

As much as i hate it, i’ve decided to remain adherent to my medication regimen. That is the least i could do to help myself. No sodium valproate(yes!), though quetiapine has been increased to 25mg.

Money is running out like nobody’s business at the rate of my medical expenses. Doesn’t help that i am income-less for an indefinite period. *bleah*

On an extremely random note to finish up this post:

Nothing can make you any happier when you see the numbers on the scale dropping. Fuck yeah!!!! Although it is also true that nothing can kill your day like the numbers on the scale going upupup.

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