Leaving for Hong Kong tomorrow. Packed my luggage and hand-carry, all ready to go abroad. Overpacking on medications and hand sanitisers. Just fretting about the unpredictable- my irritability making me snap, my mood swinging low, my joints flaring up till no end, and crazy bingeing if i ever lose my control. I want to have good time and leave everything back here, just for the 5 days that i’m there. And i really hope i will.
Pain management still pretty BAD. Disease activity on the rise, which means fatigue is on the rise too. Odynophagia still persisting.1 day post-MTX, and i have 3 new ulcers on my hard palate, plus the other 2 mouth ulcers that have been there for weeks. I should really force myself to take the prednisolone.
Stepped back into school today, which is supposedly the first day of school of a new semester/year. I dreaded so much to even go anywhere near the school, but i didn’t have much of a choice. Well i could ask someone to deliver it for me, but that’s too much to ask for. I was determined NOT to bump into anyone ‘familiar’ so that i could avoid all forms of contact there. And i was sure that if i saw anyone whom i did not want to see, i’d feign ignorance or turn 180 degrees and walk away. It’s not that i have anything to hide. I just don’t have anything to say to anyone., nor explain myself to anyone. What the hell. I don’t even want to be in their condescending presence. It’s just utterly disgusting. *sigh* This is how much i’ve grown to hate the school. Everything about it is WRONG.
I received a message a couple of days earlier, asking me how i was. It came from someone whom i’ve grown to resent, and that it why i sniggered when i saw the message, and completely ignored it after that. Oh you mean you are suddenly concerned about how i was? After ignoring me for 2 whole months? Did you ask after me because a certain someone told you about my plight? Just like how you narrated my whole situation to that same person even though it was none of his business? I’ve not said anything till now, but i’ve been exceedingly angry that you broke the trust i had in you, and spilled everything to someone who had no business knowing it. And then that same person promised me not to tell you anything, but i can bet my life that he did tell it all to you. You know what, what you’ve done really goes to show how much you are like them lecturers. You are like them, and you disgust me. And that is why you do not deserve any respect from me, just like how i’ve lost all my respect for the lecturers.
Bullshit. All pure fucking bullshit.