running from your shadow

There are some things in life which we say we will never do or become.

But sometimes, we inevitably fall into the very trap which we’ve been trying to steer clear of.

It is not because of any trivial reasons. Never.

It is because there is fear- the fear of losing control, the fear of being not good enough, the fear of being ridiculed, the fear of rejection, the fear of being judged, the fear of becoming something/someone you swore never to be- and the fear is real. The fear is very real.

The fear is so terrifying that even if you used to live and breathe it, you no longer want to have anything to do with it. Just because being involved in it forces you to take a look in the mirror, only to see something so ugly staring back at you. The reflection repulses you so much that you want to run away from it. But you can’t, because just like reality, you can’t run away from your own shadow. So you avoid it at all costs, even if you are dying on the inside not being able to do something you once loved so much. It’s still there, but you refuse to acknowledge its presence.

Once again, i am attempting to solve two problems with a ‘solution’. At the same time, this ‘solution’ of mine keeps me occupied and away from the problems which i cannot seem to get off my back. Preliminarily, i guess it is  doing me some good? But i know this ‘solution’ will brew more trouble for me in time to come. I can already foresee the bottomless pit that i’m falling into, but why am i letting myself fall into another bottomless pit when i’ve barely got out of another?

Because there is this fear imbued in me- i’m terrified. And because there is the fiery desire to be in control and to take charge in the midst of powerlessness and helplessness.

*sigh*

At my lowest weight in almost 5 years, and the numbers will continue to drop. And if you even try to take that bit of control away from me, you’ll see. Fuck yeah weight loss.

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