Here I go again. I am wrong. Terribly wrong yet again. As always. And being punished for trying to find a permanent solution for a temporary problem.
Why? I think that will be the panacea. But they think otherwise. And I’m being shot down for it. What? I’m trying to solve the problem, aren’t i?
I’ve tried, and I keep trying. But apparently, I haven’t been trying hard enough. They used to tell me to take baby steps. That every step forward is a victory in itself. But they don’t say that anymore. I’ve been trying, but it seems like trying is not enough anymore.
They seem frustrated. I know they are. I’m not making progress. I know I’m not. But they keep trying to fight the fire. It’s not working because fuel keeps feeding the fire. Why try to put out the fire when what needs to be done is to stop fuelling the fire? Why try to change my maladaptive coping mechanisms so desperately when negative thoughts are constantly intruding my mind? I understand the need to cope effectively. But if my mind is constantly bombarded by negative thoughts, I think the only natural reaction when overwhelmed is to go back to what I’m comfortable with. Yes I can try the more effective ways of coping, but they are untested waters for me, and they are ultimately a change from what I’m familiar with. I will, in the end, go back to what I’ve been doing in times of crisis. And that’ll happen until the effective coping mechanisms become my way of coping. It takes time you know. It doesn’t happen just like that.
Now I’m being robbed of my ability to make any choices. Since when can they decide that I should continue to play the game? I’m already losing the game. I’m already defeated. And there’s no way to turn the game around. Why can’t they just let me quit? Why prolong my misery? Why put me to shame?
Alright. Keep fighting the fire while I continue fuelling the fire. We’ll see who will last longer.
And excuse me while I scream and die on the inside just so that everyone doesn’t get upset.
It’s really sad how people believe so much in false pretence that they do not believe it when they see the real truth.
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