Seizing control

It seems like I’m perpetually in a state of chaos. And with that I seem to be jumping at every chance to seize control. Madness, and probably endless.

With the help of my brother and dad, I now have my very own digital weighing scale, accurate to 0.1kg. (Don’t ask why I couldn’t get it myself.) No more sharing the family’s scale and bringing it into the bathroom. I know I made a rule over the new year not to obsess over the numbers on the scale. Well I’ve been keeping to that. Even though I have my own scale now, I’ll only weigh myself no more than twice a week. Sounds good? Definitely.

(I’ve always thought the scales in the hospitals weigh in excess. I thought I was thinking too much, but now we know it’s true! They tend to weigh in excess of 1-2kg, and that’s dismal. Sad even. So if anything, don’t ever trust hospital scales!)

I realised I have 2 more weeks to my rheumy appointment, and it seems like I’m more reluctant this time, for the first time ever. I even had half the mind to just miss it, but by doing that I’m not giving her or myself another chance. I still have an ultrasound to do, but I’m not keen on having it done on a specific date, especially when there’s a good chance that it is a good day. I have 1.5 weeks to decide on that, so I’ll leave it at that for now. Since I’ve been having a lot of trouble with my RA, I’ve decided to take control. I’ve decided to have my blood taken whenever I’m having a flare, preferably a major flare. I just need to capture the inflammation in the ESR and CRP, and gather enough evidence to show my rheumy that I need better control of my disease. If there is no other way to justify the pain I am having between appointments, this is the best I can do. I know there is a chance of her delaying it again because I don’t present with evidence of swelling. But damn i. I’m bloody sick and tired of being in pain even when I’m  relying on triple DMARDs, pred and diclofenac. I guess I’m also secretly hoping for transaminitis, so that it jolts her awake that perhaps we can’t wait anymore. I’m still compliant to my DMARDs, but I’ve been refusing diclofenac and pred to trigger a major flare. Still waiting for THE FLARE and in pain, but I cannot fail this time. Stupid I know, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Seizing control. Yups.

*aargh* Exceedingly frustrated that I’ve not managed to progress far since my last declaration of my BMI. Glad I have not gained. But 18.3 is just dismal. *sigh* I have been really weak these days, giving in to more food than my body needs. I need to seize that control again, because it is utterly disgusting to turn 21 with such a high BMI. And oh yes. Even after losing weight, my face is still FAT. Must be the evil pred. 😦

Started conditioning my body so that I can return to ballet class soon. Lost much of my muscle mass due to severe caloric restrictions, and now I’m weak like jelly. Not fun at all. Doesn’t help that my joints and tissues have been taking a hard beating from RA. Grand plies in 5th were almost impossible because my quads are almost nothing. Holding a simple passe with my left leg has triggered inflammation in my left hip flexors.

I’m hoping things will turn for the better soon. But I know that even if I’m trying my hardest, it’ll be for naught once again. Like it has always been.

Building walls again? Hell yeah. Because you know what? Everyone will fail you in the end. Doesn’t matter if they’re your loved ones or closest friends. They’ll still fail you nevertheless.

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