Crossroads

In just about 2 days, I am turning 21. Meeting another crossroad again, when I’ve barely made it through the last.

Although it is really just another plain ‘ol day of the year, it is a day I’ve been waiting for for so long. It seemed like turning 21 would magically give me hope, some wisdom, and definitely freedom. It seemed like turning 21 would mean that I can finally break free from my parents, that I am finally an individual in the society.

Wow. That’s a lot of expectations for a day which justifies my 21 years of existence. I am of course, set up for disappointments. *aargh* Big mistake no?

I look back at my adolescence, and I realised that somehow there’s been a shift in paradigm over the years. A really big one at that. As well as the many crossroads I’ve been met with at the past ‘milestones’.

What mattered then, doesn’t matter now. Our happiness was contingent on very superficial matters. That said, it was easy to be happy, but it was also easy to be unhappy. A lot of our motivations then were extrinsic. Happy-go-lucky? Hell yeah!

However what didn’t matter then, is of great matter now. Our happiness is no longer contingent on superficial matters. Our motivations are now more intrinsic. It isn’t so easy anymore to be happy, and it is so easy to be unhappy. But once you get it right, I suppose that losing sight of it is quite difficult.

I’m sure with this ‘coming of age’, there would once again be another shift in paradigm. More crossroads to come too.

I guess being 21, I am finally able to give consent myself, without having to pass through my parents’ approval. I am now an individual in the society, and I can make my own decisions without being seconded. Isn’t that what I’ve been wishing for the past few years? Isn’t that just what I’ve been waiting in anticipation for?

It indeed is. And I am in a way dizzy with excitement. Especially because I am a patient myself, and nothing comes as close to empowerment than turning 21.

Except that it also means that I will have to take full ownership and responsibility for myself. It is a daunting task yes, but it is nevertheless a part of growing up and learning. I cannot run away from it.

What about magically being hopeful, a little wiser and being fancy free? Nah. I gotta face it. It’s not gonna happen. Believing in that is disillusionment.

But I know that things may start to turn for the better with this last fragile fragment of hope that’ll come my way on my birthday.

And if that doesn’t do it, I’m afraid nothing else would anymore.

What should I do then?

*sigh*

Damned that is one bloody incoherent blog entry full of contradictions!

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