never forgetting what matters

Time really flies.

Sometimes i wonder where “where did all those time- hours, days, months, and years- go?”

It’s been almost a year since i fell into depression, and 2 years since i developed an eating disorder. I didn’t think recovery was THAT difficult. But nobody said it was going to be easy. It’s been 4.5 years since i was diagnosed with RA, and i don’t even have it under control till now. I don’t know if it’s more difficult to fight my mind, or fight my immune system. I only know that i’ll live a lifetime with RA, with chances that i may relapse into depression and the eating disorder repeatedly after recovery.

My depression is finally lifting after we turned to the last resort, which i will not mention here. It was a dreadfully long 10 months constantly fighting my mind, popping happy pills, putting on weight, therapy, improvements and regressions, forcing a smile, knitting my brows, contemplating quitting for good, lying to myself, telling myself everything’s gonna be ok, self-harm and hospitalisations. 

And now, i am finally inching towards recovery from depression. I’ve never quite seen the light at the end of the tunnel till now. So i am secretly hoping that after this lengthy and pricey intervention, everything will be ok once again.

Amnesia- retrograde and anterograde has hit me, and it upsets me a great deal. What i can remember are in bits and pieces, and what i’ve forgotten are also very fragmented. I used to have an excellent memory, and it plays an enormous role in developing who i am as a nurse. And now that memories are slipping through my fingers, i am feeling very disheartened. But there is nothing that i can’t solve once i return to my books. I can assure that once i am back proper, i’ll be a better nurse than before.

Although i could make do with being less of a perfectionist and control freak… That is something to be worked on constantly i guess.

For now, i am still able to recall most bits of my past experiences, good or bad. I want to clean forget everything bad that happened, because i find it very difficult to let go and move on from the things that hurt the most. But i must learn to, as i always believe, find a gift in everything. They will make me a stronger person, after i’ve gotten over overwhelming emotions. And it’ll also serve to remind me, to never treat others like how i was being treated. Because no one deserves to be manhandled like i was.

I still remember the patients i’ve had, right from my first clinical placement to the most recent one. The patients whom i remember the most, are the ones whom i reached out to, and took time to talk with them, and listen to their stories. They are also the ones who smile no matter how much pain they are in, and no matter how much anger they’ve bottled up.

I am grateful to God, for blessing me with the calling to be a nurse, and for blessing me with the ability to communicate and reach out to my patients. I’m thankful too, that i am able to influence my peers with my communication skills. Sometimes nurses forget that communication forms a strong foundation in building rapport with the patients, and empowering them.

And my family and best friends. Because they’ll always be there for me, and will never give up on me. Sometimes it takes a bit of a crisis to actually find that out for myself, but what matters is that they are still there with me, even when i’m at my lowest and my most hideous.

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