Endlessness

All these endlessness and futility despite my best and unwavering efforts are starting to wear me down a great deal, and i don’t have an idea what i should be doing next to keep trudging on. I am thoroughly worn out, but i’ve come too far to give up now. Yet, giving up seems to be the most apt thing to do.

*sigh*

I’ve been such a good patient(at least by my definitions), adhering to the different medication regimens, faithfully attending my follow-ups and doing whatever that needs to be done. But nothing seems to be turning out right, and here i am still struggling without an end in sight.

I do get affected by the side effects of different medications, and as much as i dislike them, i still take them with the hopes that perhaps i will benefit from them therapeutically. I try to ignore the adverse effects, but they tend to get too bothersome for me to ignore. The only thing i can do is to learn to cope with them, and it’s been good so far. Even the retrograde and anterograde amnesia cannot deter me, very honestly. Ask me anything related to my field of work, and i’d give you the right answers. Really.

Sometimes i wished all of these were just nightmares so that i never have to live through them. Wouldn’t i then have more time, money and energy to spend on more meaningful things, like most of my peers? Fretting about all of these- time, money, energy, medications, side effects and everything else it entails- tires me out thoroughly.

*sigh*

What i need now is just to sleep it all away tonight, and hoping that i wake up from the right side of the bed coming morning. The problems are all still there, understandably. But sometimes all it takes is a good sleep.

*crosses fingers*

 

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