I don’t know what the hell is up with my mind. But for the whole of today, my mind has been drifting off to inappropriate places, and that scares me a little because i’ve gone cold turkey for quite awhile already. But at the same time, that thought is like an old friend- very comforting and soothing.
Admittedly, i wouldn’t have qualms going back to what i am most familiar with. In fact i wouldn’t even hesitate. But now i can’t and i won’t, even if it’s killing me on the inside not being able to do so. *sigh*
I’m trying. I really am trying. But nothing ever comes close to what i’ve grown to be fond of. I know it shouldn’t be happening anymore. I know it shouldn’t even intrude into my train of thoughts at all. But nothing comes as close, and that’s why it is so fucking tempting, even till now.
It’s almost exactly a year from the day when all the chaos started (21 July 2010). Even with the amnesia, the memories are still crystal clear, along with everything else which entailed. I want to let it all go and move on, but i am finding it very difficult because of the way i was treated despite my best efforts. And i still maintain that i did not deserve any of the shit they threw in my way. NONE AT ALL, fuckers.
This nightmare cannot get any longer, can it?