My apologies for going missing in action for the past few days. The past few days have been filled with mostly frustration and angst, with me whining till no end, and endless unanswered questions.
And it is still the same. I’m trying to stay sane and zen through the peaceful chaos at home without much success. I’m throwing tantrums and being pissy. I guess i’m trying to tell them something. But they are just NOT getting it. Not getting it AT ALL. And i wonder.
I thought so much has changed, and that there is something good coming out of something so fucking bad. I knew this was gonna happen, and i tried to tell someone about it. Forewarn them about the impending shit i am going to face. But again, i’m written off and ignored. And this is what i get. Nothing has changed. Really. NOTHING.
There are no scissors at home. No forks and knives at home. No can-opener. None of those. And very initially, i fell out with him because he insisted i be chaperoned once i even step foot out of the house. I understand what all of these are done for. I really do, even if they don’t want to believe in it. But they don’t understand. They really don’t, even if they think they do.
My brother too: “IT’S NOT LUCK. IT’S HARD WORK.”
I am like, YOU’VE GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. All of them, really.
I’m sorry. I cannot be trusted. I don’t deserve to be. I am not hardworking. I’m not smart. I’m not pretty. I am stupid. I am weak. I am attention-seeking. I’m a waste of money. Whatever.
And all of these despite everything that i know i am, and everything that i do so fucking well.
I’m sorry. But i cannot stop. I can’t let it go. I tried, even if you don’t believe it. I could’ve given up. I could’ve been free a year ago. Like FREE. But i didn’t. Because if i did, i’d be some weak and selfish person who is being so inconsiderate. I’m still trying, and i’ve never stopped, even though i have said many times that i am so close to giving up.
Sorry, but excuse me while i die again and again and again on the inside just so that all of you don’t feel sad/bad/shitty/whatever.
I’ve had enough.