I always tell myself, that everything’s gonna be okay, and i tried to believe in it even when the going got very tough. I stubbornly clung onto that even when i hit rock bottom, even when i felt like it is not. And a year later, i am still here telling myself that everything’s gonna be okay. That despite the past year being very difficult, for the lack of a better word.
And perhaps everything is gonna be okay after all.
I had a session with my therapist today at long last, after not being able to see her for 3 months or so. In a way, i missed our sessions terribly because she has been a constant in this journey of mine. And for everything to happen like it did for the last 3 months and not being able to see or talk to her, it was difficult.
We spoke at length as usual, and many of it were not new. I blame it on the terrible brain fog, but who am i kidding really? I guess i was just in a whole different world for the past 3 months. Many of it were actually ideas that i came up with by myself, mainly during my ‘self-awareness moments’. And i know them by heart and can even verbalise it to my doctors/therapists. But they don’t happen. Almost never, and if they every do, they fizzle out very quickly.
Why Steph? Why???
In my lucid and motivated moments, i’d say with conviction that as long as i do/did my best, it IS good enough. I say that because i liked to say that i wasn’t good enough, that what i did wasn’t good enough, that although i gave my best, it still wasn’t good enough.
But was i good enough? Were the things i did good enough? FUCK YEAH. I was good enough, and i did everything i could, more than anything and anyone else. I was good enough and i am still good enough. So now in my moment of lucidity, i would prefer to think that they did not deserve my best. Why should i give them my best when they trampled all over me and treated me like i was a lesser being? And that despite me being nothing but committed and respectful? Anyhow, that does not mean that they’re better than me. They are NOT.
It’s been a year, and i have not given up on trying. Not trying hard enough sometimes, trying too hard other times. But what matters is that i am still trying. Sometimes i’d like to think that maybe things would have been different if i gave up then, and how liberated i would be if it were so. But i make it a point to keep it close to my heart, that i am a good nurse, and a bloody fucking good one at that (and no one can refute that). That i can make a difference to each and every one of my patients. And with a reminder always, that i’ll NEVER EVER be like any of them registered nurses because they are NOT what nurses should be. Nothing like them.
But becoming what God has made me for, can only happen when i am better, because it is only fair then, to my patients.
Everything’s gonna be okay, Steph.