Shutting down

I’m not weak, and it is rightly so.

What do you do, when you’ve been too strong for too long? How do you find the courage to finally stand up for yourself, and tell someone that you just can’t do it anymore? And how do you even tell anyone that you cannot cope anymore, especially when you are envious of the people around you because they seem to be doing it so well, and would never be able to understand your predicament?

I crumbled, because shutting down seemed to be the most apt at that point. I just couldn’t pretend anymore, that I am ok. I wasn’t ok, but it was expected of me to just carry on. I can’t. I’m only human.

Why is it that my younger sister and my older brother have me, the middle child, to look out for them? Patting her to sleep while missing my nap time when I was 5. Standing up for my brother against those bullies when I was 8. Watching out for my sister when she started to go to school, and approaching my brother’s form teacher and collecting his homework for him, when I was 9? And it just went on and on through the years, as though it was naturally expected of me.

Then what about me?

I had to fight for what I wanted. I made calls when I was 9, because no one was going to help me when I wanted to learn the violin. And it was the same even as a teenager, because no one was going to help me when I wanted to return to ballet.

Who was there for me when I was in writhing pain? Who was there when my parents made snide remarks about me being a waste of money, being lazy, taking medications till my liver was damaged? Who was there when I was made to feel like an utter failure for wanting to leave JC? What about taking full responsibility for my RA and coping with the stigma, pain and side effects? It seemed ok for my siblings to be mean to me with the teasing. What about giving a damn about my sister but being pushed away, scolded and taken for granted in return? I too, like everyone else, have my moments of being afraid, being fearful, being terribly insecure, and needy too. Sometimes they forget I am human too. So much of fucking bullshit, and it was ok for me to take it in, like it was only natural and acceptable.

I just felt so unworthy. Like I wasn’t worth the love, time and attention. I always wondered what it would take for them to finally give me what I needed so much. But it was just the way it has always been, and I realised I was not going to get what I was seeking for.

It was all the same with the people around me. Like this was what I am destined for, and nothing else.

I crumbled and shut down from sheer exhaustion. I gave too much of a damn, but no one gives a fucking damn. It just wasn’t right, and it doesn’t work out at all.

After all has blown over, everything will be the same again. Status quo. And I’ll be on my way again, giving but never receiving, unworthy of everything and everyone, trying to find the strength and courage to bull on despite all the bullshit that I have to take in and accept, and just being taken for granted.

The health problems will never be resolved, and I’ll continue to struggle till I reach the end.

And it’ll not change. I’ll will continue to ask “what about me?“, and I’ll continue to wonder what it would take for someone to actually give a damn about me.

You can’t blame for believing in how much everything will be futile in the end. Because that’s just the way it is. Sad isn’t it?

Life goes on.

So you know what? I’m not weak. And if anyone says or implies that of me, I’ll not take it standing at all.

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