such irony

It is times like this, that I start wondering all over again, if things are going to get better.

I decided not to take Arcoxia(etoricoxib) and prednisolone any more, starting from today. I don’t know what it’ll take for me to take them diligently again, but as of now, I’m just feeling… Out of sorts.

The pain just won’t go away. It’s my immune system which refuses to take no for an answer. It throws tantrums and hissy fits, and is bent on kicking up a ruckus endlessly, fueled by what I think is hyperactivity. Doesn’t it ever get tired? The inflammation that occurs as a response to my hyperactive immune system, seems bent too, on leaving an indelible mark in my joints.

What a merry time RA is having.

But I am not having a merry time, waking up each morning to the pain and stiffness in my joints, popping those anti-inflammatories, yet not getting the relief that I want.

It’s annoying and frustrating.

And I’m not trying to be funny. If the anti-inflammatories are not doing what it should do, then why should I take them???

I guess it’s okay and rather manageable living day to day with RA. But looking at how far I’ve come and the medications I’ve been taking… As well as the exacerbation of RA over the years, from having only arthritis in selected joints, to having arthritis in just about every joint… Never going into remission too… And then looking ahead and knowing that this will never end till the day I die…

I just feel like…

SHIT. FUCKING SHIT.

I’m tired. So tired of being in pain and pretending like it’s ok. And the futility of it all.

Sigh…

Acceptance? Nah… Not now. Maybe next time.

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