Do you know what it feels like to have all the knowledge you’ve painstakingly built up and accumulated in school, slip through your fingers like sand?
They told me it’ll get better. That it’ll go away soon. That there is nothing to worry about. But they don’t understand.
I mean, i am fine being robbed of the newer memories. Nevermind if i don’t remember the events that took place from about February-July this year. Nevermind if i don’t remember much of the Hong Kong trip that took place with my brother, sister, her boyfriend, and myself. Nevermind if i don’t remember what happened on my 21st birthday. Nevermind if i cannot for my life, recall what we did for my bestfriend’s 21st. Of course i am upset with the loss of such memories. It’s a price to pay to make the depression go away, and i guess it really is ok.
It’s ok too, that i am so exceedingly absent-minded these days due to the difficulties in forming new memories, that it gets so annoying.
BUT IT IS NOT OK IF IT TAKES AWAY FROM ME, MY NURSING KNOWLEDGE!
I want to scream “IT’S NOT FAIR!!!”, but i know nothing is fair in life. I want to shout “BUT I DON’T DESERVE THIS!!!”, and i know i really don’t. But shit always happens. And everything happens for a reason.
But why does this have to happen when i am only 13 weeks away from graduation??? Why does this have to happen when it’s time to put all that i have learnt and experienced to good use and into the clinical context??? I knew i still had it in my whole month of gerontology posting in January.
I’M ANGRY. Why??? But sometimes there are no reasons whatsoever.
I am due for my 12 weeks of pre-registration consolidation placement(PRCP), which simply is my final clinical placement, in December. That is, if i stay relatively stable till then. I have about 2 more months till then, to return to my books to fill up those gaps which amnesia has created. 2 months to try and salvage the knowledge which i’ve built up and accumulated in 3 years. 2 months to regain the ‘confidence’ i had when my knowledge was still intact. 2 months to make myself whole again.
I’m not sure myself, if i am capable of that.
Next week, i am making my first comeback in nearly 10 months. I am due for my Operating Theatre clinical placement. I did go for mine last year at Day Surgery, but i bailed out on the 3rd or 4th day because of the environment and the triggers it contains(which i will not elaborate here). So now i am going to have to redo it, with hopes that i will at least complete it. I don’t know what to expect. And i don’t know if i’ll be able to stick through those mere 5 days. I’m worried. So are the people on my treatment team. Worried that the past will repeat again. Worried that i’ll fall even further once more. Worried that my recovery will be hindered by the triggers i will face. And perhaps that it’ll be the end of me. I guess i could seek consolation in the fact that my placement next week will not be as demanding as my clinical placements in the ward, especially knowledge-wise.
Dear doctors, i hope you’re not mistaken. Please be right about the retrograde and anterograde amnesia. You have no idea how much i’d give to get it all back.