For the first time in 8 months, i returned to work to finally tie some loose ends which have been left dangling mid-air for quite a while. It’d be a blatant lie if i said that i cannot care less about it. I was in fact pretty nervous and excessively worried, just like how i am always.
Nervous and worried- i need to be there early, my uniform has to be creaseless, my hair has to be very neat, i need to be presentable, will i forget anything, do i have everything i need, will i be able to answer questions, how am i going to answer personal questions, will i appear to be sorely lacking in knowledge, do i know everything that is expected of us, will i be able to do ok, will i pass, can i score, i have to be polite and respectful, enthusiam because i want to learn as much as i can, will i offend anyone, will i leave a bad impression, will i get my A, or will i get a C, what am i going to do, yadayadayadayada.
One would have expected that after everything that i have gone through, i would have learned how to just let things be, and to manage my expectations. Apparently not. The people on my treatment team are fretting a little because of my tendencies to expect too much of myself, and also because of certain triggers all around which will be inevitable. Well, they have their reasons to be worried. And i have my reasons for still being the way i have always been at work.
Actually, it’s not so much of reasons. It’s just my character. I could never go to work with anything less- nothing less than mediocre, and definitely more than expected. I know it’ll be the death of me one day, if i go on like this. But oh well.
Reliving the 5 days all over again, asking the same old questions and trying my darndest to first meet expectations, then exceed expectations. Reliving the 5 days all over again because i was on medical leave, and was unable to redo just one day, even though i finished 4.5 days out of the 5. This is ridiculous.
Here goes nothing. 1 day done, 4 to go.