staying grounded

I’m not feeling the ground anymore, because i am floating up into the sky like a balloon. It’s not good at all, to be floating aimlessly into the infinite sky with my feet further and further from the ground. I think i know what i should do, to ground myself.

I never like taking what i have for granted, but it does happen quite inevitably sometimes. Like how i take my pain-free days for granted, lamenting when i have flares here and there, forgetting that i am so blessed to have even that little bit of respite from the unrelenting disease process of RA. Like how i take life for granted when i have better days by ruminating till no end, forgetting how fortunate i am to even have that little bit of reprieve from the bottomless pit of depression and bulimia nervosa. Like how i take anything and everything for granted just because, forgetting that i am beyond blessed and fortunate to even be alive and be what i am today, and for how far i have come.

Grounding myself can be pretty difficult, both physically and mentally. Stripping myself of what i have grown too comfortable with, and then having to go through such harsh realisations that i should be so lucky… It is even more difficult than letting myself float in the sky really.

Despite persisting flares, i am withdrawing all my RA medications in an attempt to give myself a good hard kick in the ass. I need to be reminded of the pain that i was once in, in order to fully appreciate what i have now. Don’t be mistaken though. I just want to re-learn again, that even though i am nowhere near remission, just that bit of control is good enough for me. I won’t mess with psychiatric medications though, because that will potentially be life-threatening. Sometimes drastic measures need to be taken in order for me to stay grounded, appreciative and thankful for everything that i have.

May there never be a day that i decide to let myself rise like hot air into the sky.

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