It’s needing to move forward alongside with life, as life goes on. Yet keeping in check what’s passed as i move forward (just in case i missed out or forgot something), and essentially never losing sight of the past which is really meant to be behind me. It is really just walking to move forward, but walking backwards with no sight of the oncoming. It is being fixated on what’s behind me and being clueless with what’s ahead. And then tripping and falling repeatedly. How am i to see the obstacles which are right in my path?Having to walk backwards yet move forward, tripping and falling along the way again and again, getting wounded and having to pick myself up and needing to be on my way again… To say that it is exhausting is a gross understatement actually.
I don’t know why i do it so much that it now becomes inherently detrimental to my recovery. I only know that for as long as i have lived, i have a strong inclination to gather as much insight as i can with anything and everything that i do. I muse too much, to the the point of rumination. The point in never losing sight of what’s behind me, is to never repeat the mistakes i’ve made. I seemed to be doing ok then, but it is not the same now.
It is with depression that the purpose of keeping in sight what has passed far exceeds the need to remain insightful. I can’t seem to let go of the entire traumatising experience for the amount of hurt and pain it has caused me, and the ensuing damage that it has done. And with my tendencies to muse and ruminate, i ask myself endlessly what could have been done differently and for most parts, why was i unable to stand up for myself and choose to walk away? I do realize that i am penalising myself again and again needlessly by reliving the experience repeatedly, and then berating myself for not being ‘stronger’ then.
It is also with the depression, that i develop this irrational fear that history would repeat, and what happened would happen again. That i will be trampled on like dirt, that i will be told that i am ‘weak’ and ‘not strong enough’, that i will be a ‘failure’ again, that despite my best efforts i will still be condemned because of genuinely innocent mistakes, that all my ‘good’ will be erased by just one ‘bad’, that even when i am seemingly ‘exceeding expectations’, it is still not enough and that i have ‘failed’. All of these, ALL OVER AGAIN. And i know that if any of these happen again, the likelihood of deterioration and regression increases exponentially. That, has also become an irrational fear that becomes debilitating at times.
I know very well that it will not bode well if i persist with it. So what would it take for me to finally turn my back to what’s past(not passed) and actually walk forward with my head held high?