Struggling

Waking up everyday and being subjected to RA’s whims and fancies, i am really tired. I am physically tired, mentally exhausted, and emotionally a wreck.

With each time that i go to sleep, i refuse to wake up sometimes because of the excruciating pain my body is in. When i do open my eyes, i moan and groan in pain and close my eyes, as if it could will it all away. But of course it never happens, and i can only swallow some pills in hopes that the pills can take it all away. Sometimes they do a little of the trick, other times not so lucky. Well, i am literally at the mercy of RA, and i can only deal with it.

The pain gets progressively worse with each flare that i get, and it’s like i don’t my body anymore. RA has changed so much of it. With each flare, i really struggle. I struggle to find new ways of adapting to and functioning with the pain. I struggle to accept the deteriorating condition of my joints, unable to even fathom what it may be like years down the road when i am only 21 today. I struggle to grit and bear with the pain, and be ok with it- smile and laugh, dance even.

And the fatigue. RA has taken me hostage with the fatigue that comes with poorly-controlled disease activity. It’s the kind of fatigue and lethargy that sleep cannot remedy. I could sleep for hours and days and i would still be tired and zoned out. It’s mad. So thankful i’m not working as of yet.

But of course, you might say “serves you right“. No? Serves me right for being totally non-compliant to all my RA medications. But i have my reasons, i think it would serve me well in time to come.

I think the worst part of it all, is seeing absolutely no end in sight with RA. And with Nina still around taunting me endlessly… Let’s just say that i am immensely frustrated.

oh dear Lord.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy;
And God wept that it hurt you so.
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into His likeness you’d grow.

-Russel Kelfer

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