Setting myself free

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To anyone who might be wondering what this is, this is the note which i got from Rachel a few days after that fateful day, which came with a little gift which i’ve not touched even till today. It is indeed written by her, but it was passed to me through a friend who was also in the team. I never saw her since, nor have i spoke to her since then.

Why would i put this up when it has been already more than a year that has passed?

It’s because i do acknowledge the fact that she apologised and asked for forgiveness. I know she did, and i have never forgotten that. But i don’t accept it. I have never accepted it as an apology from her. Maybe you’d say i’m some fucking petty bitch, or a person who cannot seem to forgive and harbours so much hate.

Right till the last day i was with her in training, which was the 24th of August 2010, she was still screwing me up upside down with no knowledge about the wrong she has done. Both her and the assistant director, whom she has much semblance to. To see an apology coming from her in just a matter of days when i’ve been fighting against her for many weeks, i could only believe that it was done out of obligation, or because she felt bad. We did converse even some time after that, never personally though, but i don’t even remember any of them anymore. I don’t remember them because of the pain those memories gave me.

I don’t know why she never came forward personally to apologise, and thus i don’t know if she has realised the wrong she has done. Of course i would be inclined to think that she still doesn’t know her folly till today because of several experiences with her when she completely refused to work on past mistakes. But sometimes i still like to believe that she is just like any of us. That she knows where she has gone wrong, that she will endeavour not to repeat them again. Oh well what can i say?

I’ve never forgotten the fun times we all had together you know. The times we had as a group which dwindled down to a small team. The times i personally had with some of them, Rachel included. Those were good times, and i don’t forget enjoyable experiences. Even if it means reminiscing about the times i had with someone whom i grew to resent so much. That’s just the way i am. And i still keep those warm fuzzies- those notes we wrote for each other during our full-time training- and photos from then.

This note that she wrote is still there too, in the envelope which i decorated with Hello Kitty stickers where the warm fuzzies were dropped in. The note is still there, with the little gift which would make me smile if not for the memories.

Now that it is all over- she has won both gold medals with her partner(whom i loved so much, but could not bear to face)- it’s time to let it all go.

It does not mean that i have forgiven or forgotten. It does not mean that i am defeated by her. It does not, by all means, mean that she is better than me. I have, as she has, gone through entirely different experiences. Good for her that she won. Good for her that she has ‘success’. But if until today she knows not of her folly, if she has not learnt, if she has not let everything that happened shape her into a better person, then her ‘success’ would really be tragic and for naught. On the other hand, if she knows of her mistakes, if she has learnt from them and has not repeated them, and if she has let everything that happened shape her into a better person and a better nurse, then i’m happy for her.

Throughout recovery, it has always been reinforced in me by the people in my treatment team, that i have never been beneath her and anyone else who had hurt me. They liked to tell me, and i’d like to believe, that i rose above her/them/everything and the challenges i’ve had to face. And i’d like to let it remain this way.

It’s been so long. It’s been far too long for my heart to be burdened with so much dead weight. My heart’s tired of carrying this dead weight which does nothing but wear it down and taint everything possibly positive in my life into something so sad. I’m tired too, and i want to give myself a real chance- a real good chance which i have sabotaged for myself again and again with this dead weight.

It’s time to put everything into a box, package it nicely, and put it aside for good. It’s time to let it all go and set myself free.

And with Rachel’s last note to me,

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This will really be the end of it, and there will be no more hurt nor pain. I deserve better. I really do, even if no one else wants to give it to me.

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